Publishing

On the Proper Heat and Humble Conduct Required in the Baking of Cakes -by King Alfred the Great (circa 892)

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On the Proper Heat and Humble Conduct Required in the Baking of Cakes -by King Alfred the Great circa 892

Year: c. 892

Length: 47 pages

This short but sternly instructive volume, believed to have been written shortly after the famous incident in which Alfred, distracted by matters of state, allowed a peasant woman’s cakes to scorch, lays out the king’s uncompromising rules for achieving a morally upright cake.

Alfred devotes an entire chapter to the “Correct Temperature of Regal Ovens,” insisting the fire must be “hot enough to inspire diligence yet cool enough to preserve humility.” He further outlines the appropriate posture when checking one’s cakes (“a slight bow of apology to the memory of past failures”) and includes a table of baking times depending on the baker’s level of contrition.

A commonly quoted line:

“Let no king, reeve, nor common man turn his back upon a baking cake, lest he learn again the bitterness of distraction.”

Though circulation was limited, the text survived in scattered monastic copies. Culinary historians agree it is the earliest known attempt by a reigning monarch to legislate kitchen temperature.

Publishing news- the launch of Pimlico Wilde Press

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“Books so beautiful you’ll forget to actually read them.”

Esteemed patrons, literary dilettantes, and collectors of things they’ll never actually use, it is with the utmost pomp that the renowned art dealer Pimlico Wilde announces the launch of their latest venture: Pimlico Wilde Press, a publishing house dedicated to producing books of such wit and elegance that they’ll rival for value even your most gilded furniture.

A Legacy Worth Appropriating

In the grand tradition of publishing’s most illustrious endeavours,think the magnificent folios of William Morris’s Kelmscott Press or the scandalously expensive works of Ambroise Vollard,Pimlico Wilde Press is here to do what no one else dares: remind the world that books, like art, are better when they are virtually unattainable, highly impractical, and slightly self-indulgent. If Kelmscott gave us medieval woodcuts and Vollard gave us Picasso on a page, Pimlico Wilde Press will give you amusement bound in silk and art books so sumptuous they could double as ottomans.

Our Mission

Pimlico Wilde Press will be a bastion for two noble genres:

1. Humorous Novels: Because the world has too many tragedies already (both on the stage and in life). Expect novels that make you laugh, scoff, and question your own taste. These will be comedies for the cultured,imagine if Oscar Wilde got drunk at a modern dinner party and live-tweeted the event.

2. Art Books: Lavish tomes that will make your coffee table look cleverer than you are. Think illuminated manuscripts for the Instagram age, featuring art so exquisitely reproduced that you’ll forget the price before you even get to the introduction.

What Makes Pimlico Wilde Press Different?

• Aesthetic First, Words Second: At Pimlico Wilde Press, the cover design will always take precedence over the content. After all, isn’t a book’s true purpose to be admired from across the room?

• Art Meets Humour: While other publishers fuss over “serious” narratives, we intend to make art fun again. Or, at the very least, less insufferable. Imagine a critical essay on Baroque still life, rewritten as a farce, or a cookbook inspired by the diets of history’s most over-looked watercolour painters.

• Exclusivity: The first edition of every Pimlico Wilde Press book will be limited to a quantity that ensures no one you know can possibly afford it. For the less fortunate, we’ll graciously produce a paperback version, printed on paper so fine it can only be read once.

A Word from Etta Sprinklin 

“As an art dealer, I’ve long believed that art belongs in the hands of the elite, and now, with Pimlico Wilde Press, I can extend that philosophy to literature. Let us reject the tyranny of mass-market paperbacks! Let us return to the golden age when books were cherished, collected, and stolen! And, most importantly, let us never publish a book that doesn’t look good next to a vase.”

Our First Titles

Pimlico Wilde Press is proud to announce its inaugural catalogue, including:

• The Secret Lives of Frames: A Biography of Empty Space , A deeply satirical exploration of the unsung hero of the art world, the picture frame.

• A Gentleman’s Guide to Impractical Living , A humorous novel following the adventures of an aristocrat who fails at everything except style.

• Bread, Brocade, and Banquets: The Feasts of Forgotten Artists , An art book-cum-cookbook exploring the historically accurate, and hilariously unpalatable, diets of famous painters.

• The Velvet Spine , A literary experiment: a novel written entirely in jacket blurbs.

Join the Movement

Pimlico Wilde Press is not merely a publishing house,it is a statement, a philosophy, and a necessary luxury. Our books are for those who believe reading should be as delightful as lounging on a chaise longue, and for those who believe that owning books is vastly superior to finishing them.

Stay tuned for our first launch party, where the wine will be better than the reviews, and everyone will leave clutching a first edition as if it were a relic.

“Is It Cheese or Is It Fate?”: The Launch of Literature’s Most Confounding Novel

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By Persephone Weatherby

This month, the art and literary worlds are abuzz with the release of Is It Cheese or Is It Fate?, the debut novel from reclusive author Theo Crumble. Already hailed as “a triumph of existential discourse” by one well-known critic, the novel is set to make waves,not least because it will only be released in an ultra-limited edition of 314 copies, each numbered, signed, and wrapped in a custom cloth made from ethically sourced yak wool. The reason for this deliberately scant run? According to Crumble’s enigmatic press release, the novel is “too philosophically potent to exist in abundance.” He goes on to explain, in his typically labyrinthine prose:

“To flood the world with copies of this novel would dilute its meaning. Much like a fine Camembert, its essence is best preserved in scarcity. Too much, and it ceases to be art,it becomes supermarket fare.”

At the launch party, held at Pimlico Wilde’s ornate galleries in Mayfair, the publisher described the book as “part novel, part manifesto, and part cryptic puzzle”. Is It Cheese or Is It Fate? centers on a nameless protagonist who inherits a decrepit cheese shop in an unnamed European village. The plot, such as it is, oscillates between the protagonist’s attempts to revive the shop and their increasingly unhinged meditations on life’s grander purpose. “It’s like Ulysses, if Joyce had been obsessed with dairy,” one early reader remarked, tears of confusion glistening in their eyes.

Each copy of the novel is a work of art in itself, bound in calfskin (but “only from cows that led happy lives,” the publisher insists) and accompanied by a slipcase that smells faintly of Gruyère. The pages are printed on handmade paper infused with whey,a decision that, according to Crumble, ensures “an olfactory reading experience, allowing the book to smell faintly of its own essence.”

A bonus inclusion in every copy is a small, sealed envelope containing what Crumble cryptically calls “a truth of questionable relevance.” The nature of these truths remains undisclosed, though rumours suggest they range from obscure cheese facts to philosophical musings on free will.

Theo Crumble remains shrouded in mystery. What little is known of him comes from anecdotes whispered in art and literary circles. Thought to be a former cheesemonger-turned-hedge-fund-escapee, Crumble reportedly resides in a remote yurt in the Swiss Alps, where he spends his days writing, milking goats, and contemplating the finer points of human existence.

Crumble declined to attend the novel’s launch party, issuing a handwritten note instead:

“I have said all I needed to say within the pages of my book. My presence would be redundant, much like offering crackers with a cheese so sublime it requires none.”

The limited print run of Is It Cheese or Is It Fate? has created a feverish demand among collectors, cheese enthusiasts, and anyone who feels they might glean insight into the human condition through lactose metaphors. Copies have already been listed on auction sites for upwards of $43,000, and a black-market reproduction is rumored to be circulating, printed (unethically) on plain paper that smells of nothing.

Critics remain divided. Some hail the book as a bold exploration of human existence:

“Crumble has crafted a literary fondue,rich, complex, and occasionally burning hot with incomprehensibility.” , The Cardiff Ponderer

Others are less enthused:

“It’s 314 pages of pretension. Does the chapter about the Manchego symbolise death, or did he just run out of ideas? Frankly, I’m not sure even Crumble knows.” , Modern Book Grumbles

Following the release of Is It Cheese or Is It Fate?, Crumble has announced no plans for a second novel, stating that “to write again would be to churn butter from a cow already milked.”

For now, Is It Cheese or Is It Fate? exists as a tantalizing enigma,part book, part art object, part intellectual stunt. Whether it’s a masterpiece or a glorious absurdity, one thing is certain: Crumble has given us all something to chew on.