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Book Review: An Historical Enquiry into the Probable Causes of the Rationalist Artworks Lately Predominant in the Western Art World

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By Sarah Ugue

Reviewed by S.L. Botts

In An Historical Enquiry into the Probable Causes of the Rationalist Artworks Lately Predominant in the Western Art World, Ugue embarks on a rigorous and exhaustive exploration of the intellectual and cultural forces that have shaped the ascendance of rationalist aesthetics in modern and contemporary art. This ambitious work weaves together history, philosophy, and art criticism into a dense but rewarding narrative that interrogates the very foundations of our artistic values.

The book’s central thesis posits that the dominance of rationalist art forms—artworks that emphasize logic, structure, and intellectual engagement over emotional or sensory impact—can be traced to a confluence of historical developments, including the Enlightenment, industrialization, and the rise of analytic philosophy. Ugue argues that these forces have not only influenced the art itself but have also conditioned the tastes of Western audiences to favour the cerebral over the visceral, the conceptual over the expressive.

A Scholarly Dive into Art’s Intellectual Evolution

The book unfolds in three distinct sections, each building upon the other to form a compelling argument. In the first section, the author traces the roots of rationalist aesthetics to Enlightenment ideals, particularly the emphasis on reason as the highest form of human achievement. Through meticulous analysis, the text connects the rise of minimalist and conceptual art to these intellectual traditions, showing how artists like Sol LeWitt and Donald Judd inherit the legacy of rationalism as much as they react against prior movements.

The second section takes a broader cultural lens, examining how industrialization and the scientific revolution instilled a preference for efficiency, order, and systems thinking. Here, the author deftly draws parallels between the factory floor and the gridded canvases of Piet Mondrian, suggesting that the visual language of rationalism is, at its core, the language of the modern world.

Finally, the third section delves into the reception of rationalist art, exploring the ways in which institutions, critics, and collectors have elevated such works as embodiments of intellectual sophistication. The work is unflinching in its critique of the art world’s complicity in reinforcing this trend, yet the tone remains analytical rather than polemical.

Dense but Rewarding

While the book’s insights are profound, its academic style may deter some readers. The prose is dense, packed with historical references and theoretical frameworks that demand careful attention. Terms like “aesthetic epistemology” and “structural semiotics” appear frequently, making this work best suited for readers with a strong background in art history or cultural theory.

However, for those willing to engage with its complexity, the rewards are substantial. The author’s ability to synthesize ideas from diverse fields is nothing short of remarkable. Particularly striking is their discussion of how rationalist art intersects with contemporary technology, suggesting that the digital age has both amplified and problematized the rationalist paradigm.

A Timely Contribution

At a time when the art world is increasingly polarized—between calls for a return to the expressive and the continued dominance of the conceptual—An Historical Enquiry offers a timely and necessary examination of how we arrived at this juncture. While the book does not prescribe a clear path forward, it equips readers with the tools to critically evaluate the assumptions underlying contemporary art.

Ultimately, An Historical Enquiry into the Probable Causes of the Rationalist Artworks Lately Predominant in the Western Art World is a monumental achievement, one that will surely become a cornerstone text for scholars and critics seeking to understand the intellectual currents shaping Western art. It is not an easy read, but it is an essential one.

Signatories of the Billionairist Manifesto

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1. Maximilian Louxe

An enigmatic artist whose works include the ashes of his own stock certificates suspended in jelly. Once auctioned his own private jet as “performance art,” earning $100 million in resale fees.

2. Claudia St. Fontaine

Creator of Liquidity Eternal and self-proclaimed “priestess of perpetual wealth.” Known for embedding diamonds into seemingly mundane objects, like traffic cones and frisbees.

3. Otto Von Chrome

The mind behind The Wheel of Fortune, Von Chrome merges industrial engineering with jaw-dropping luxury, creating kinetic sculptures that could bankrupt small nations.

4. Aurelius van Goppe

Famous for artworks like Infinity Dividend and sculptures made from melted Fabergé eggs. Claims to “convert capital into immortality” with his gaudy, gilded installations.

5. Belladonna Versailles

Known for satirical—but somehow earnest—pieces like The Velvet Tax Bracket, a literal velvet rope that sold for $25 million. Descended from French nobility, spending her family fortune was “too boring,” so she became an artist.

6. Sebastian Zaitsev

A former crypto tycoon who pivoted to Billionairism. Creator of The Emperor’s NFT, he insists his work “elevates blockchain into a new paradigm of cultural irrelevance.”

7. Genevieve Palladium

Famed for her destructive processes, such as dismantling luxury cars to reconstruct them as art. Her Lamborghini Shard Series set auction records—and set fire to her critics’ sanity.

8. Baron Cosimo Elan

“The Banker of Baroque” – Known for turning financial objects—like rare coins and share certificates—into over-the-top installations. His Gold Brick Sonata involves 400 literal gold bricks, each embedded with a miniature speaker playing Bach.

9. Titania Westwood

An eccentric sculptor whose works combine rare materials with ostentatious absurdity, like chandeliers made from champagne bottles emptied at her own parties. Famous for saying, “If it’s not wasteful, is it even art?”

The Billionairist Manifesto – the 21st Century Art Movement

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By The Consortium for Infinite Value in Art

1. The Age of Aesthetic Poverty is Over

We declare that art has no higher calling than to elevate wealth itself. In an era where the poor cling to meaning and the middle class calls for relatability, we, the Billionairists, proudly proclaim: beauty is dead—long live the price tag. Art is no longer about the tediousness of what you feel but the joy of what you can afford.

2. Art Shall Be the Playground of the Elite

True creativity is forged in the crucible of excess. A starving artist creates paintings; a Billionairist creates bidding wars. We reject the dull utilitarianism of relatable art and embrace the unapologetic ecstasy of the unattainable. If everyone can understand it, we have failed.

3. The Medium is Wealth

We sculpt with Lamborghinis. We paint with liquid platinum. We compose symphonies of yacht horns echoing across private archipelagos. We reject the notion that art must fit on a wall or in a museum—it belongs wherever it cannot be reached. The museum is a prison for art. This will no longer do. We build penthouses for art.

4. Outrage is a Currency

To the masses who weep and gnash their teeth at our opulence: we hear you, and we monetize you. Your outrage fuels the engine of our artistic genius. Every viral tweet criticizing our $500 million diamond-encrusted treadmill installation is part of the performance. The critics are the chorus to our opera.

5. Value Over Vision

We believe the price is the art. The higher the price, the greater the work. A canvas worth $100 million is not 10 times better than a $10 million piece—it is 10 million times better. This is not theory; it is the new maths.

6. Destroy to Create

Billionairism demands we obliterate the old to build the new. We will shred Monet’s lilies and reassemble them into private helipad mosaics. We will melt Rodin’s bronzes and recast them as doorstops for Swiss chalets. Creation is destruction, and destruction is a tax write-off.

7. Art Shall Be Fluid (and Preferably Liquid)

We reject permanence. Our works must evolve, decay, or disappear entirely, like wealth slipping through unworthy fingers. Installations will require constant maintenance; sculptures will oxidize without costly preservation. Art should be a financial liability, not a cultural one.

8. Exclusivity is the Apex of Creativity

A Billionairist work must be rare—no, singular. It must inspire jealousy, not joy. If more than 10 people can see it at once, has it failed? If more than ten people could afford it, is it a crime against art?

9. Critics are Welcome (At a Price)

We invite critique, provided it comes from voices worth hearing. (And by “worth,” we mean net worth.) The opinions of those who do not buy our works are irrelevant—they are mere echoes in the void.

10. The Future Belongs to Us

We are the arbiters of value, the gods of gilded absurdity, the masters of hyper-excess. The poor will ponder, the critics will fume, and the middle class will gawk. But we, the Billionairists, will shape the future of art—one obscenely expensive masterpiece at a time.

Let the masses have their memes and their murals. We have rotating gold-plated Porsche Ferris wheels and a martini fountain that costs more than your city block.

Signed, with Champagne stains,

The Billionairists

The Art of Excess: Meet the Middle Eastern Artist Creating Monumental Desert Drawings with a Mercedes G-Wagon

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By Esmé Delaunay

In a remote stretch of desert where the sun gleams unforgivingly off endless sand dunes, a new star in the art world is blazing a trail—literally. Emerging Middle Eastern artist Fahad Al-Rami has stunned critics and captivated Instagram with his audacious technique of creating sprawling, intricate artworks using nothing but a top-of-the-line Mercedes G-Wagon and its tire tracks. Dubbed “tyre calligraphy” by some and “luxury land art” by others, Al-Rami’s works are as much about high-octane performance as they are about artistic expression.

Who Is Fahad Al-Rami?

Al-Rami, 31, hails from a prominent family in the Gulf, but he has always been determined to break free from tradition—by embracing excess in the most innovative way possible. After briefly dabbling in more conventional mediums (including a short-lived attempt to paint with saffron and camel milk), Al-Rami claims he had an epiphany while off-roading with friends.

“I was doing donuts in the sand,” Al-Rami recalls, adjusting his aviator sunglasses. “And suddenly, I looked back and saw the tracks I’d left behind. They weren’t just tracks—they were lines. Lines with meaning, power, and the subtle suggestion of turbocharged luxury.”

Since that moment, Al-Rami has devoted himself to mastering the art of “desert drawing,” using the G-Wagon as both his brush and his canvas. His works span miles, often requiring drone footage to be fully appreciated, and last only as long as the wind permits.

The Process

Al-Rami’s artistic process is as meticulous as it is extravagant. Before creating a piece, he spends hours sketching his designs in the sand with a diamond-encrusted stick—“a ceremonial act,” he explains. Once satisfied with the concept, he climbs into his custom gold-trimmed G-Wagon and begins the laborious task of translating his vision into reality, steering the vehicle with surgical precision over dunes and flats.

Each piece requires perfect coordination between Al-Rami and his pit crew, who monitor tire pressure, fuel levels, and the angles of his turns. “The G-Wagon isn’t just a car,” Al-Rami says. “It’s an extension of my soul. And its all-wheel drive ensures my soul doesn’t get stuck in soft sand.”

The Artworks

Al-Rami’s works are a fascinating fusion of tradition, modernity, and sheer extravagance. Some of his most notable pieces include:

• “The Endless Falcon”: A colossal rendering of a falcon in flight, symbolizing the spirit of the desert. The piece spans 4 miles and required three sets of tires to complete. Critics have called it “the most ambitious avian artwork since Audubon.”

• “Dune Mandala #7”: A hypnotic geometric design inspired by traditional Islamic patterns. Al-Rami’s crew had to refuel mid-piece, creating an accidental but aesthetically pleasing petrol spill at the center.

• “Ego Drip”: A self-portrait of Al-Rami—complete with his trademark sunglasses—rendered entirely in concentric circles of skid marks. Some interpret it as a critique of modern masculinity; others see it as a literal signature.

The Reception

Reaction to Al-Rami’s work has been predictably polarized. Art critics are divided between calling him “a visionary genius redefining land art” and dismissing his work as “the product of an overactive trust fund.”

Pierre Dubois, a curator at the Paris Museum of Contemporary Excess, praised Al-Rami’s ability to combine cultural commentary with “mechanized majesty.” “His use of the G-Wagon—a vehicle synonymous with wealth and status—as a tool of creation is a bold statement about the intersection of privilege and artistry,” Dubois said.

Others are less impressed. “It’s just expensive doodling in sand,” said Dr. Harriet Grimshaw, an expert in land art, who argues that Al-Rami’s works lack the environmental awareness of figures like Andy Goldsworthy. “At least Goldsworthy didn’t require premium unleaded to make his art.”

The Symbolism of the G-Wagon

To Al-Rami, the Mercedes G-Wagon is more than just a luxury SUV—it’s a symbol of modernity, power, and, above all, contradiction. “The G-Wagon is a paradox,” he explains. “It is rugged yet refined, functional yet absurdly impractical for city driving. Much like my art, it forces people to question their relationship with excess.”

Mercedes-Benz, meanwhile, has taken notice. Rumors are swirling that the automaker plans to sponsor Al-Rami’s next piece, tentatively titled “The Spiral of Speed,” which will involve three synchronized G-Wagons creating interlocking patterns across a salt flat in Saudi Arabia.

What’s Next for Al-Rami?

Al-Rami has ambitious plans for the future, including a “global desert exhibition” that will feature works in the Mojave, the Outback, and the Namib. When asked how he feels about the impermanence of his art, Al-Rami is philosophical: “All art fades. Mine just fades faster because of wind.”

Despite his critics, Al-Rami’s work continues to inspire conversation—and no small amount of envy. Whether you see him as a trailblazing artist or simply a man with too much horsepower and time on his hands, one thing is clear: Fahad Al-Rami is driving the art world in a bold new direction.

And if you can’t keep up? Well, as the artist himself might say, “That’s what four-wheel drive is for.”

Publishing news- the launch of Pimlico Wilde Press

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“Books so beautiful you’ll forget to read them.”

Esteemed patrons, literary dilettantes, and collectors of things they’ll never actually use, it is with the utmost pomp that the renowned art dealer Pimlico Wilde announces the launch of their latest venture: Pimlico Wilde Press, a publishing house dedicated to producing books of such wit and elegance that they’ll rival even your most gilded furniture.

A Legacy Worth Appropriating

In the grand tradition of publishing’s most illustrious endeavours—think the magnificent folios of William Morris’s Kelmscott Press or the scandalously expensive works of Ambroise Vollard—Pimlico Wilde Press is here to do what no one else dares: remind the world that books, like art, are better when they are unattainable, impractical, and slightly self-indulgent. If Kelmscott gave us medieval woodcuts and Vollard gave us Picasso on a page, Pimlico Wilde Press will give you jokes bound in silk and art books so sumptuous they could double as ottomans.

Our Mission

Pimlico Wilde Press will be a bastion for two noble genres:

1. Humorous Novels: Because the world has too many tragedies already (both on the stage and in life). Expect novels that make you laugh, scoff, and question your own taste. These will be comedies for the cultured—imagine if Oscar Wilde got drunk at a modern dinner party and live-tweeted the event.

2. Art Books: Lavish tomes that will make your coffee table look cleverer than you are. Think illuminated manuscripts for the Instagram age, featuring art so exquisitely reproduced that you’ll cry over the price before you even get to the introduction.

What Makes Pimlico Wilde Press Different?

• Aesthetic First, Words Second: At Pimlico Wilde Press, the cover design will always take precedence over the content. After all, isn’t a book’s true purpose to be admired from across the room?

• Art Meets Humour: While other publishers fuss over “serious” narratives, we intend to make art fun again. Or, at the very least, less insufferable. Imagine a critical essay on Baroque still life, rewritten as a farce, or a cookbook inspired by the diets of history’s most over-looked watercolour painters.

• Exclusivity: The first edition of every Pimlico Wilde Press book will be limited to a quantity that ensures no one you know can possibly afford it. For the less fortunate, we’ll graciously produce a paperback version, printed on paper so fine it feels like a betrayal.

A Word from Etta Sprinklin 

“As an art dealer, I’ve long believed that art belongs in the hands of the elite, and now, with Pimlico Wilde Press, I can extend that philosophy to literature. Let us reject the tyranny of mass-market paperbacks! Let us return to the golden age when books were cherished, collected, and stolen! And, most importantly, let us never publish a book that doesn’t look good next to a vase.”

Our First Titles

Pimlico Wilde Press is proud to announce its inaugural catalogue, including:

• The Secret Lives of Frames: A Biography of Empty Space – A deeply satirical exploration of the unsung hero of the art world, the picture frame.

• A Gentleman’s Guide to Impractical Living – A humorous novel following the adventures of an aristocrat who fails at everything except style.

• Bread, Brocade, and Banquets: The Feasts of Forgotten Artists – An art book-cum-cookbook exploring the historically accurate, and hilariously unpalatable, diets of famous painters.

• The Velvet Spine – A literary experiment: a novel written entirely in jacket blurbs.

Join the Movement

Pimlico Wilde Press is not merely a publishing house—it is a statement, a philosophy, and an unnecessary luxury. Our books are for those who believe reading should be as delightful as lounging on a chaise longue, and for those who believe that owning books is vastly superior to finishing them.

Stay tuned for our first launch party, where the wine will be better than the reviews, and everyone will leave clutching a first edition as if it were a relic.

Amaryllis Fennington-Royce: A Luminary in the Shadowed Corridors of Culture

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Amaryllis Fennington-Royce, scion of the distinguished Fennington-Royce dynasty, is a name whispered reverently in the hushed alcoves of private galleries and salon soirées. Her life, a resplendent tapestry woven from threads of inherited opulence and indefatigable passion, has been dedicated to the elevation of art in all its transcendent forms. A patron, provocateur, and perennial arbiter of aesthetic excellence, Fennington-Royce is more than an aficionado—she is a cultural force of nature.

Born during what some would later describe as a “curiously cinematic thunderstorm” on the family’s Devonshire estate, Hollowmere, Amaryllis displayed an early proclivity for the arts. By the tender age of six, she was said to have staged a groundbreaking reinterpretation of Hamlet using only finger puppets and a gilded birdcage. This audacious display earned her a mention in The Society Chronicle’s “Prodigies to Watch,” marking the beginning of her ascension to cultural prominence.

Her formal education at the elusive École du Sublime in Montreux and subsequent studies in Aesthetic Philosophy at the University of Innsbruck provided her with a theoretical foundation few could rival. Yet, it was her frequent escapes to the ateliers of Paris, the palazzos of Florence, and the dust-choked bazaars of Marrakech that truly forged her unparalleled eye for genius.

By her mid-twenties, Fennington-Royce had already amassed a collection of obscure, boundary-defying works, which critics have described as “a masterclass in audacious curation.” These include a seven-ton marble sculpture titled Lament of the Pigeon Keeper, an installation piece composed entirely of artisanal cheeses in varying states of decay, and the now-infamous Untitled #93—a canvas painted exclusively with pigments derived from crushed dragonfruit and existential angst.

In 2009, Amaryllis founded The Fennington-Royce Foundation for Revolutionary Aesthetics (informally known as “The FRRA,” though she insists it be pronounced as “Fraah”), an organization devoted to “nurturing brilliance that the mainstream art world lacks the courage to confront.” Through her foundation, she has funded countless avant-garde projects, including a ballet performed entirely underwater and a series of operas composed using the vocalizations of abandoned garden gnomes.

Her personal life, while cloaked in intrigue, has only added to her mystique. Known to frequent the lesser-traveled corners of the globe, Amaryllis is said to have a chalet in the Swiss Alps where she “communes with the muses” and a floating library moored off the Amalfi Coast. She is rarely seen without her signature accessory: a vintage lorgnette she claims “clarifies the art world’s murkier edges.”

Critics—those she tolerates—have called her taste “fearless,” her patronage “transformative,” and her very presence “like walking into a room and realizing the air has suddenly become velvet.” When asked to define her philosophy, Amaryllis once remarked, “Art is not meant to be understood—it is meant to unsettle, to seduce, to haunt one’s dreams. To seek meaning is to miss the point entirely.”

Today, Amaryllis Fennington-Royce continues to transcend the confines of patronage, steering the course of contemporary art with a deft hand and an uncompromising vision. To encounter her is not merely to meet a woman, but to witness the distilled essence of cultural audacity. And though she would never admit it aloud, she is keenly aware that history will not merely remember her—it will whisper her name, reverently, as though invoking a spell.

The New Manifesto of the 21st Century’s Art Movement “Art for Art’s Sake”

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As Declared by the Disciples of Artemis Gibbons, 1777

We, the faithful adherents of Artemis Gibbons—poet, peacock, and paragon of panache—do solemnly pledge our hearts, minds, and waistcoats to the eternal pursuit of his vision. Our cause is no lesser than life itself: a life lived as he would live it, uncompromisingly adorned with beauty, wit, and éclat.

Art is not a tool for labor, nor a mirror for grim reality; it is a golden chaise longue upon which we recline, sipping port, while the world envies us in hushed tones. Our creed is simple: Art for Art*’s sake.

*Where Art refers to Artemis Gibbons

I. Artemis Gibbons: Our Guiding Light

Artemis Gibbons, born under a particularly flattering moon in 1742, was no mere mortal, but a living masterpiece. A man who turned his morning eggs into an art installation and regarded social conventions as mere drafts to be edited, Gibbons existed as though life were a salon and he its undisputed host.

He was the only man ever to duel over the mispronunciation of “rococo”. He once composed an ode to his own reflection that caused three fainting spells at its recital. His every action—be it sartorial, gastronomic, or rhetorical—was art. It is to him we look in all things, for he is our compass, our critic, and our muse.

II. The Creed of Art for Art’s Sake

In every thought, every gesture, and every morsel we consume, we must ask: What would Artemis do? His example is our north star, our measure of taste, and the reason our socks are ultramarine. To live as Artemis Gibbons lived is the highest aspiration of humanity.

We hold these sacred tenets:

1. Artemis would dress first, think later. Every day is an opportunity for grandeur, and one’s outfit must never be secondary to one’s intellect.

2. Artemis would never eat hastily or humbly. A meal is a performance, not a function. The addition of a sugared violet can elevate even the simplest biscuit into a statement.

3. Artemis would never deliver the last word. To lose an argument is permissible; to lose it while poorly quoting Horace is not.

4. Artemis would never be seen without flair. Whether a feathered hat, a jeweled cane, or a subtle smile, there must always be a touch of the extraordinary.

5. Artemis would neither rush nor economize. Time and money are vulgar concerns. A morning spent perfecting the tilt of one’s hat is a morning well spent.

III. What Artemis Would Never Do

It is equally important to avoid what Artemis would scorn. Consider this a list of sins:

• Wearing anything “practical” (a word that offends the tongue).

• Consuming porridge or any food described as “hearty.”

• Apologizing for wit, even if misunderstood by the dullards.

• Entering a room unnoticed.

• Writing prose when poetry would suffice.

IV. The Rituals of Devotion

To live as Gibbons lived, one must embrace his rituals:

• The Morning Pose: Before venturing into the world, stand before a full-length mirror and consider: What would Artemis think if he saw me now? Adjust accordingly.

• The Three-Course Retort: In debate, every response must have a beginning (clever), a middle (biting), and an end (devastating).

• The Peacock’s Feast: Once a month, dine on a meal so extravagant it bankrupts at least one acquaintance.

• The Noon Repose: Dedicate one hour daily to lounging, for the sake of pondering beauty and being admired from afar.

V. The Symbols of Our Order

Let all recognize the followers of Gibbons by these sacred emblems:

• The Peacock Feather: An eternal reminder that Artemis believed beauty need not justify itself.

• The Mirror: Carried at all times, not for vanity, but for self-improvement (and occasional inspiration for sonnets).

• The Gilded Snuff Box: A repository for ideas, gossip, and powdered sugar, as Gibbons preferred his inspiration both sweet and portable.

VI. A Closing Oath

Raise your crystal goblet, dip your quill in gold ink, and swear with us:

To live as Artemis lived, to love as Artemis loved, and to ignore the world’s sneers as Artemis ignored invoices. For life without beauty is unthinkable, and beauty without Artemis is unimaginable.

May we forever ask, in all things great and small: What would Artemis do? And may our answer always make the dull weep with envy.

In feather, flourish, and fidelity,

The Devotees of Art for Art’s Sake

World’s Most Expensive Artwork Sells for $3 Billion: ‘Untitled (Probably a Fish)’ Stuns the Market

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By Venetia DeCourcy

History was made last night at an exclusive auction in Monaco when the enigmatic artwork “Untitled (Probably a Fish)” sold for an eye-watering $3 billion, officially becoming the world’s most expensive artwork. The sale took place at the hyper-exclusive Black Glove Auction House, attended by art-world royalty, billionaires, and several people who claimed to be “just here for the canapés.”

The buyer, whose identity is shrouded in mystery but rumored to be either a tech billionaire or a crown prince, outbid a swarm of global elites in what was described as “the most intense bidding war since Van Gogh’s left ear sketch hit the market.”

The Artwork

“Untitled (Probably a Fish)” is the magnum opus of obscure Belgian conceptual artist Lars Van Der Klink. The piece consists of a single crumpled sheet of paper, reportedly salvaged from a seaside café in Ostend, onto which Van Der Klink scribbled a faint outline of what might be a fish—or, according to one critic, “the fleeting essence of despair itself.”

The artwork’s frame—a minimalist creation made of reinforced carbon fiber and ethically sourced Himalayan yak wool—was designed by Van Der Klink himself and has been hailed as “integral to the piece’s critique of human fragility.”

“Is it a fish? Is it not? That’s the power of the piece,” said noted art historian Claudia Beaumont-Grey. “It forces us to confront the ambiguity of existence, the frailty of interpretation, and, most importantly, our inability to understand what Lars was thinking.”

The Bidding Frenzy

The opening bid was set at a modest $50 million, but it quickly escalated as collectors and institutions vied for the honor of owning the enigmatic masterpiece. Witnesses described the atmosphere in the auction room as “electric” and “slightly unhinged,” with one bidder reportedly throwing their shoe in frustration after being outbid.

Auctioneer Lucien D’Argent, resplendent in a velvet tuxedo, milked the crowd with theatrical pauses and dramatic intonation. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is not just a fish—or not a fish—it is a moment. A cultural apotheosis.”

The final hammer fell at $3 billion, accompanied by a smattering of polite applause, gasps, and at least one audible “Are you kidding me?”

Reactions

The sale has sent shockwaves through the art world. Critics are divided, as always:

• The New York Art Lens called the sale “a landmark moment in the commodification of ambiguity.”

• Post-Canvas Review derided it as “a billion-dollar doodle.”

• Social media, predictably, erupted in memes, with hashtags like #ProbablyAFish and #MoneyLaundering trending within minutes.

Meanwhile, Van Der Klink, the artist himself, appeared bemused by the record-breaking sale. In a rare statement from his self-imposed exile in a yurt outside Brussels, he said, “I honestly forgot I made that one. But it’s nice that people like it, I suppose.”

The Legacy

With “Untitled (Probably a Fish)” now enshrined in art history, speculation has turned to its future. Will it be displayed in a public museum, as the auctioneer promised, or locked away in a private vault, joining the shadowy ranks of “art for no one”?

One thing is certain: the sale cements Lars Van Der Klink’s position as a leading figure in the conceptual art world, while also ensuring that “crumpled paper chic” will be the hottest trend in galleries worldwide for years to come.

For now, the world can only marvel at the staggering sum paid for a scribble on paper, and ponder the immortal question: Was it really worth it? Or, as Lars himself might say, “Is anything?”

Have Henry V’s Watercolours of Agincourt and Other Battles Been Discovered in a Cellar in Monmouth?

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By Clarence Hargreaves-Sause

The sleepy Welsh town of Monmouth, birthplace of King Henry V, has been thrust into the spotlight this week following a sensational discovery that could rewrite art history. Local historians are abuzz with speculation after what appears to be a series of watercolour paintings, purportedly depicting scenes from the Battle of Agincourt and other key military campaigns of the 15th century, was found in a dusty cellar beneath the Monmouth Museum of Cheese.

The paintings, attributed (in pencil, on the back) to H5, are being heralded as “a revelation of unexpected delicacy and questionable historical plausibility.” Could it be that the warrior-king who once cried “Once more unto the breach!” was also quietly murmuring “Pass me the crimson alazarin”?

The Discovery

The artwork was unearthed during an ambitious effort to install a vending machine selling artisanal crisps in the museum’s basement. Maintenance worker Nigel Pumblethwaite, who made the discovery, described the moment:

“I was moving a crate of novelty keyrings shaped like longbows, and suddenly there they were—some old, scruffy paintings just sitting in a box marked ‘Ye Olde Miscellaneous.’ I knew straight away they were important, because they had that… you know, historical vibe.”

The alleged masterpieces were wrapped in what has been identified as an early example of a 19th-century tablecloth, leading experts to speculate that they were rediscovered—and promptly forgotten again—sometime during the Victorian era.

The Paintings

The collection consists of seven watercolours, each bearing a unique interpretation of Henry V’s famous military victories. Among the highlights:

• “Agincourt in the Rain” — A moody, grey-toned depiction of soldiers slogging through mud, with remarkably detailed puddles that hint at Henry’s possible obsession with “the English weather as metaphor.” Some art historians are already comparing this piece to Constable, though admittedly “Constable with terrible perspective.”

• “Siege of Harfleur, But Make It Cheerful” — A vibrant explosion of yellows and blues, with an inexplicable number of smiling faces. A curiously modern-looking dog sits in the foreground, wearing what might be a soldier’s helmet.

• “Portrait of a French Knight with a Sad Mustache” — This intimate close-up of an enemy combatant reveals Henry’s softer, empathetic side—or perhaps just his struggle to draw hands.

• “Battle Banquet Still Life” — An oddly serene painting of roasted pheasants, goblets of mead, and a lone, half-eaten custard tart. One expert theorizes this may reflect Henry’s post-battle priorities: food first, speeches later.

Each painting is signed with a cryptic “H5” in what could either be a signature or a very sloppy attempt at Roman numerals.

Could They Be Genuine?

The discovery has divided the art world. Dr. Felicity Gudgeon, a medieval art expert at the University of Littlehampton, is cautiously optimistic:

“It’s entirely plausible that Henry V could have dabbled in watercolours. After all, the court had significant downtime between battles. What better way to unwind than by painting your enemies in increasingly vibrant shades of vermilion?”

However, other scholars remain skeptical. Sir Trevor Snoddley-Wick of the Royal Society for Dubious Artefacts called the paintings “about as likely to be Henry V’s as my Aunt Mildred’s embroidery of the Spanish Armada.” He pointed to several “anachronistic flourishes,” such as the presence of a rainbow in one painting (not yet a prominent motif in medieval art) and what appears to be a soldier holding a baguette in “March to Agincourt.”

Public Reaction

The people of Monmouth have fully embraced the discovery, with the town council already commissioning banners reading “Monmouth: Where Kings Paint Too”. A Henry V-themed watercolour workshop has been announced, where locals can attempt to recreate “Agincourt in the Rain” using puddle water and locally-sourced pigments.

The discovery has also sparked heated debates on social media. “Henry V was too busy being a warrior-king to paint!!” one Twitter user exclaimed, while another countered, “You don’t know his life. Maybe he had a hobby, OK?”

What’s Next?

The paintings are set to undergo rigorous testing by experts to determine their authenticity. Carbon dating will be used to establish the age of the paper, while handwriting analysts will compare the “H5” signature to known examples of Henry’s writing.

Should the paintings be proven authentic, they would undoubtedly add a surprising new dimension to our understanding of the famous king—one less about martial glory and more about the importance of shading.

For now, though, the collection will remain on display at the Monmouth Museum, where it is already drawing crowds of curious onlookers. Whether genuine or not, the works remind us of one thing: even history’s fiercest warriors might have paused now and then to ask themselves, “What if I added a bit more zinc white here?”