By Persephone Weatherby
This month, the art and literary worlds are abuzz with the release of Is It Cheese or Is It Fate?, the debut novel from reclusive author Theo Crumble. Already hailed as “a triumph of existential discourse” by one well-known critic, the novel is set to make waves—not least because it will only be released in an ultra-limited edition of 314 copies, each numbered, signed, and wrapped in a custom cloth made from ethically sourced yak wool. The reason for this deliberately scant run? According to Crumble’s enigmatic press release, the novel is “too philosophically potent to exist in abundance.” He goes on to explain, in his typically labyrinthine prose:
“To flood the world with copies of this novel would dilute its meaning. Much like a fine Camembert, its essence is best preserved in scarcity. Too much, and it ceases to be art—it becomes supermarket fare.”
At the launch party, held at Pimlico Wilde’s ornate galleries in Mayfair, the publisher described the book as “part novel, part manifesto, and part cryptic puzzle”. Is It Cheese or Is It Fate? centers on a nameless protagonist who inherits a decrepit cheese shop in an unnamed European village. The plot, such as it is, oscillates between the protagonist’s attempts to revive the shop and their increasingly unhinged meditations on life’s grander purpose. “It’s like Ulysses, if Joyce had been obsessed with dairy,” one early reader remarked, tears of confusion glistening in their eyes.
Each copy of the novel is a work of art in itself, bound in calfskin (but “only from cows that led happy lives,” the publisher insists) and accompanied by a slipcase that smells faintly of Gruyère. The pages are printed on handmade paper infused with whey—a decision that, according to Crumble, ensures “an olfactory reading experience, allowing the book to smell faintly of its own essence.”
A bonus inclusion in every copy is a small, sealed envelope containing what Crumble cryptically calls “a truth of questionable relevance.” The nature of these truths remains undisclosed, though rumours suggest they range from obscure cheese facts to philosophical musings on free will.
Theo Crumble remains shrouded in mystery. What little is known of him comes from anecdotes whispered in art and literary circles. Thought to be a former cheesemonger-turned-hedge-fund-escapee, Crumble reportedly resides in a remote yurt in the Swiss Alps, where he spends his days writing, milking goats, and contemplating the finer points of human existence.
Crumble declined to attend the novel’s launch party, issuing a handwritten note instead:
“I have said all I needed to say within the pages of my book. My presence would be redundant, much like offering crackers with a cheese so sublime it requires none.”
The limited print run of Is It Cheese or Is It Fate? has created a feverish demand among collectors, cheese enthusiasts, and anyone who feels they might glean insight into the human condition through lactose metaphors. Copies have already been listed on auction sites for upwards of $43,000, and a black-market reproduction is rumored to be circulating, printed (unethically) on plain paper that smells of nothing.
Critics remain divided. Some hail the book as a bold exploration of human existence:
“Crumble has crafted a literary fondue—rich, complex, and occasionally burning hot with incomprehensibility.” — The Cardiff Ponderer
Others are less enthused:
“It’s 314 pages of pretension. Does the chapter about the Manchego symbolise death, or did he just run out of ideas? Frankly, I’m not sure even Crumble knows.” — Modern Book Grumbles
Following the release of Is It Cheese or Is It Fate?, Crumble has announced no plans for a second novel, stating that “to write again would be to churn butter from a cow already milked.”
For now, Is It Cheese or Is It Fate? exists as a tantalizing enigma—part book, part art object, part intellectual stunt. Whether it’s a masterpiece or a glorious absurdity, one thing is certain: Crumble has given us all something to chew on.
