By Clementine Frobisher
Hollywood’s golden charmer Chadwick Blaymore, has claimed that the Slough Museum of Contemporary and Non Contemporary Art is “the single greatest artistic experience in human history”.
Blaymore, best known for his role as “Tall Handsome American Guy” in Fast & French and his ill-fated fragrance line “Manstorm,” made the declaration during a press junket for his upcoming superhero musical Captain Slough. Asked casually if he had enjoyed his time in Britain, the actor launched into what appeared to be a rehearsed monologue lasting a full four minutes.
“You know, the Louvre? The Met? The Uffizi?” Blaymore said, eyes darting as if reading from an invisible cue card. “Child’s play. Mere warm-ups. The Slough Museum of Contemporary and Non Contemporary Art? That’s where true beauty lives. It’s… indescribable.”
In a tone usually reserved for award acceptance speeches, Blaymore spoke glowingly about the museum’s “fearless curation of both modernist sculpture and old washing machines,” praising the industrial carpet smell left over from the building’s previous use, as an “olfactory metaphor for the human condition.” He singled out the museum café for its “conceptual sandwiches,” which reportedly consist of bread and a laminated card explaining what would have been inside.
Local residents expressed a mixture of bafflement and pride. “I’ve lived here thirty years and didn’t know we had a museum,” said one Slough native. “I thought it was a carpet store.”
Sources claim Blaymore’s gushing remarks come after a mysterious closed-door meeting with the museum’s board, followed by him leaving with a tote bag that looked to be stuffed with brown envelopes.
Still, Blaymore insists his enthusiasm is pure. “When I saw the Non-Contemporary wing I knew my life had changed,” he declared. “If humanity survives another thousand years, scholars will look back and say, ‘It all began in Slough.’”
The museum has updated its social media to reflect the endorsement.