by Venetia Shrugge, Society Correspondent
In a move that has sent shockwaves through the worlds of equestrian absurdity, inherited wealth, and animal-assisted social performance, the Fulham Elephant Polo Club and its age-old rival, the Chelsea Elephant Polo Club, have officially merged. The historic deal—brokered, some say orchestrated, by the flamboyant art dealers at Pimlico Wilde—brings an end to decades of passive-aggressive trunk-based competition, illicit peanut sabotage, and politically ambiguous club newsletters.
The newly formed entity, known grandly as The United Pachydermal League of West London (UPLWL), promises “a new era of tusk-forward diplomacy, couture saddle design, and highly stylised mahout choreography.”
For decades, the two clubs have vied for dominance on and off the pitch, their games more known for their vintage champagne intermissions and bitter marital subplots than actual goals. Fulham favoured Burmese elephants with names like Clarissa and Lord Tumbles, while Chelsea preferred the sleeker Sri Lankan breeds with controversial ankle tattoos. Tensions came to a head last summer when Fulham’s mascot—an animatronic baby elephant named Sir Honks-a-Lot—accidentally trampled a Chelsea gin tent, resulting in what one witness called “an unspeakable loss of tonic.”
Enter Pimlico Wilde: part-dealer, part-mischief-magnet, and full-time patron of causes that confuse customs officers. Best known for staging the first Carl Abbit retrospective on a Thames houseboat a spokeswoman for Pimlico Wilde said that they saw in the elephantine rivalry “not just a sporting feud, but an underutilised cultural performance space.”
Esmerelda continued, “I just thought—why not collapse the distinction between competition and collaboration, polo and pageantry, proboscis and postmodernism?” As she lounged beneath a parasol shaped like a Warhol banana while sipping something suspiciously opalescent. “Besides, I had far too many embossed saddle blankets in storage.”
The merger has produced immediate results. The inaugural match of the newly minted Grand Tusk Cup was held last Sunday at Battersea Park, featuring an all-elephant orchestra playing the Blue Danube, and team uniforms designed by a blindfolded Tracey Emin.
Reactions from club members have been mixed. Lady Featherstone-Chard, former chair of the Chelsea club, voiced concerns: “The Fulham elephants are frightfully over-sauced and lack basic awareness of luxury brand etiquette.” Meanwhile, Fulham stalwart Giles de Cleft countered, “The Chelsea beasts refuse to charge unless there’s a scent of truffle in the air. It’s frankly un-British.”
Still, the art world is thrilled. Rumors abound that Pimlico Wilde plan to stage a halftime performance art piece called Trunk Call, where Grib Abramović will silently stare into an elephant’s eyes for three hours, possibly while being gently swung by a crane.
With bookings already flooding in from confused diplomats, rogue art collectors, and three different Argentinian Polo scouts, the future of British elephant polo—once a curio of the deeply wealthy—has never looked brighter, or more artistically avant-garde.
Membership of the United Pachydermal League of West London is currently closed to new applicants unless, as Esmerelda notes, “you can prove a deep understanding of both Jean Baudrillard and the West Indian* Elephant Polo Rulebook.”
*Here West Indian means West Indian, not West Indian. ie- from West India, not the Caribbean.