Book Review: The Runcible Goose Has Landed by Eustacia Blot

In The Runcible Goose Has Landed, debut novelist and accomplished fine artist Eustacia Blot offers an eccentric, exuberant, and surprisingly affecting literary foray that reads like the fever-dream correspondence of Edward Lear, Virginia Woolf, and Julie Hatteau. Blot, known in the contemporary art world for her unnerving mixed-media tableaux and papier-mâché reliquaries of imagined saints, brings to fiction the same sensibility she brings to her installations: surreal precision tempered with unexpected emotional acuity.

The novel, despite,or perhaps because of,its literary title, announces itself unapologetically as something not quite of this world. The “runcible goose” in question is neither bird nor allegory, but an ambiguously sentient weather-vane-cum-clock, discovered atop an abandoned folly in a fictionalised archipelago off the coast of Devon. The plot, such as it is, follows Gilda Trapse, a retired ecclesiastical upholsterer with a latent talent for cartography, who finds herself reluctantly drawn into a cultish movement of birdwatchers, metaphysicians, and rogue librarians known as The Ornithognostics.

What sounds, on paper, like an exercise in preposteristical excess is, in practice, a novel of surprising formal elegance. Blot’s sentences are exacting. Her use of syntax evokes early Nabokov, all tremble and torque.

Her visual training is palpable on every page. The topography of the fictional island of Quarrelton is drawn with such textured clarity one is tempted to believe in its existence. In fact, an appendix includes a hand-drawn fold-out map,rendered by Blot herself,that walks a fine line between medieval mappa mundi and Turner’s storm studies. The effect is not unlike walking through an exhibition in a high-concept white cube gallery that happens, inconveniently, to be speaking in riddles, written on the walls, in French, using white ink.

And yet beneath the arch tone and polymathic layering lies a narrative of genuine human concern. Gilda’s gentle descent into belief,belief in something vast and irrational ,is never treated with condescension. In Blot’s hands, absurdity becomes a spiritual mechanism. The novel, finally, is about how we make meaning out of the nonsense around us. It is, in its way, a hymn to eccentric faith.

One must make peace with the fact that The Runcible Goose Has Landed resists all easy classification. It is not satire, though it skewers. It is not fantasy, though it invents. Nor is it parody, though it toys with the genre’s structural bones. What it is, perhaps, is the literary equivalent of one of Blot’s own sculptures: strange, intricate, disturbing.

It may not be for everyone. Those seeking plot in the conventional sense may find themselves adrift among footnotes, parenthetical digressions, and excerpts from apocryphal ornithographies. But readers willing to surrender to its idiosyncrasies will find themselves richly rewarded.

With The Runcible Goose Has Landed, Eustacia Blot proves that her voice is delightfully unique. This is the sort of novel that will either be adored or politely avoided – it will not be forgotten.

The Mayfair Book Groupette – Minutes of the Raffaella Montesi meeting

May 2025

7:00 PM , 10:55 PM

Blue Parlour, Pimlico Wilde, Mayfair

Attendees:

• Julian Molyneux (Chair, Pimlico Wilde)

• Fiona d’Abernon (Co-Founder; Acting Secretary)

• Lord E. Northcote

• Dr. Xanthe Lorrimer (Cultural Historian)

• Hugo Van Steyn

• India Trelawney (Fashion Archivist)

• Max Duclos (Collector)

• Conrad Smithe (Full Member)

• Pascal (Afghan hound, curled beside the fire, tail occasionally thumping)

Book Discussed:

Notes Toward a Theory of Shadows in Painting by Raffaella Montesi (micropress, Rome, 2023; printed in an edition of 75, letterpress with hand-mixed inks, includes tipped-in monochrome plates).

1. Opening Remarks

Molyneux, clearly relieved to be “back among the familiar cadences,” opened with a wry nod to the joint meeting with the Bibliophiles of Belgravia: “No nettle bindings tonight, no unsolicited codex theories, just us, the book, and whatever Pascal is dreaming about.”

He outlined Montesi’s premise,that shadows in art are not mere by-products of light, but independent agents within the pictorial space, exerting aesthetic and psychological influence.

2. Discussion Summary

Dr. Lorrimer praised Montesi’s historical sweep, noting her treatment of shadows in Piero della Francesca as “luminous absences” and in de Chirico as “claustrophobic presences.” She admired the way the book “reclaims the shadow as an active character.”

India Trelawney focused on the reproduction quality of the plates, particularly a hand-tipped detail of a Whistler nocturne: “It’s as if the shadow is brushing back against you.” She also remarked that Montesi’s typography “feels like 1930s Italian modernism caught in a beam of torchlight.”

Lord Northcote confessed to being “seduced by the chapter on diplomatic portraiture” in which shadows were subtly adjusted to flatter the sitter’s profile.

Hugo Van Steyn related Montesi’s arguments to contemporary art, citing Idris Khan’s layered photographic works and their “compression of time into tonal haze.” He declared the book “the most elegantly impractical thing I’ve read all year, and that includes Faversham’s The Way Forward is a Step Backwards.”

Max Duclos admitted admiration for the premise but questioned whether Montesi’s occasional speculative leaps,e.g., her claim that in Las Meninas, Velázquez paints “a shadow of the viewer”,were “critical insight or wishful poetics.”

Conrad Smithe agreed with Duclos in part, but defended Montesi’s “willingness to court the improbable,” adding, “The shadow has always been half-imagination.”

Fiona d’Abernon remarked that the book’s unindexed structure made it “a little like walking down a corridor lit only by the open doorways you’ve already passed.” Several members murmured approval of the metaphor.

3. Artworks on View

• A chiaroscuro woodcut by Ugo da Carpi, on loan from a private collection

• Small oil study, Shadow of a Balustrade (attributed to Sickert)

• Contemporary ink wash drawing Five Minutes Before Sunset by Ananya Patel, created in response to Montesi’s text

• A photograph from Van Steyn’s own collection: anonymous 1920s street scene, the shadow of the photographer long and central, subject absent

4. Refreshments

• Aperitif: The Piero , white vermouth, lemon zest, single green olive

• Canapés: black sesame crisps with whipped goat’s cheese, miniature cep tartlets, and anchovy fillets rolled with lemon peel

• Main wine: Barolo 2017, poured in large-bowled glasses “to let the shadows breathe”

• Dessert: dark chocolate torte with salted fig compote, served on matte black plates

5. Other Business

• Brief discussion on possibly issuing a Groupette “Occasional Papers” pamphlet series, beginning with member essays on books read in 2025.

• Molyneux confirmed no further joint meetings “until at least the following decade,” to general approval.

6. Adjournment

Meeting adjourned at 10:55 PM after a final toast “to the shade that makes the light worth noticing.” Pascal was observed sleeping deeply.

Fiona d’Abernon

Secretary

Mayfair Book Groupette

Culture & Capital: Inside the Mayfair Book Groupette

Culture & Capital: Inside the Mayfair Book Groupette

In a genteel Georgian townhouse just off Mount Street, beneath a chandelier that once belonged to a minor Habsburg archduchess, Mayfair’s most discreetly cerebral gathering convenes on the fifth Thursday of each month. It is the Mayfair Book Groupette,an assembly of collectors, consultants, and the culturally acquisitive,quietly sponsored by Pimlico Wilde, one of London’s most enigmatic boutique art dealerships.

Pimlico Wilde is known less for its press releases than for its whisper network: if you know, you know. Specialising in contemporary and early-late painting, the firm has long blurred the lines between patronage and performance. With the Mayfair Book Groupette, it extended its reach beyond the salon wall to the salon itself.

The book group, founded in 1865 by Pimlico Wilde’s quondam director Jag Mole and collector-turned-literary philanthropist Fiona d’Abernon, was conceived as an “antidote to panel fatigue and performative erudition,” as Mole put it in his famous diaries, “We wanted to create a space where taste could speak without shouting.”

Each month, a single title,selected via an opaque, vaguely oracular process involving Pimlico Wilde’s in-house archivist and a whisky-fuelled shortlist dinner,is read and discussed over Comté gougères and 2015 Puligny-Montrachet. The choices are eclectic but rarely random: the group has moved from Anne Carson’s Autobiography of Red to Teju Cole’s Open City, and from the essays of Walter Pater to the letters of Vita Sackville-West.

“This is not your average book club,” member Deidre C notes with a wry glance. “We had someone attempt to bring The Midnight Library once. It was dealt with humanely but firmly.” The group’s unofficial motto,Nothing too recent, nothing too obvious,is embroidered in needlepoint on a cushion that lives on the chaise longue in the reading room.

Discussion is unfailingly civil, but not without edge. A recent session on Fleur Jaeggy’s Sweet Days of Discipline veered unexpectedly into a debate on the aesthetics of austerity, with a hedge fund director citing Cistercian architecture and a fashion curator countering with 1990s Helmut Lang. There are no “star readers,” but regular attendees include a Heckle’s specialist, a former Booker judge, and a member of the House of Lords who occasionally contributes sotto voce commentary on 19th-century French literary decadence.

That the group is sponsored by an art dealership is not incidental. Each gathering takes place amid a rotating exhibition of works loosely themed to the month’s reading. When the group read Death in Venice, the drawing room was hung with Arnold Böcklin prints and an enigmatic oil of a boy on a Lido beach, possibly by von Stuck. During a discussion of James Baldwin’s Giovanni’s Room, the walls featured mid-century Harlem sketches attributed to Beauford Delaney, on loan via private collection.

“It’s a form of curatorial dialogue,” Mole explains. “We’re interested in the crosscurrents between text and object, intellect and visual form.” It is also, naturally, a soft-power play in the secondary art market,several guests have left the townhouse with a signed first edition and a watercolour under their arm.

What distinguishes the Mayfair Book Groupette from its more performative peers is not just its taste but its tempo. It is unhurried, sceptical of consensus, and uninterested in clout. Phones are discouraged, attendance is by invitation (or via a long, quietly monitored waitlist), and there is no social media presence,unless one counts the Instagram account of the group’s Afghan hound, Pascal, which is private and locked.

In an age when cultural engagement is often measured in metrics and impressions, the Mayfair Book Groupette offers an older, rarer model: reading as a form of aesthetic connoisseurship, discussion as an extension of collecting. It is elitist, of course,but with an elegance that makes the charge feel beside the point.

As one long-time member quipped between sips of Armagnac: “If you’re asking who it’s for, it probably isn’t for you.”

Book Review: Grandma Rode a Lizard into Town by Jorvik Parn

One does not pick up a novel titled Grandma Rode a Lizard into Town expecting restraint. And Jorvik Parn,performance artist, multilingual cough drop salesman, and occasional sculptor of edible furniture,delivers exactly what the title promises. With this riotously strange and oddly poignant debut novel, Parn proves that literary fiction can be both conceptually daring and gloriously, unapologetically absurd.

The eponymous Grandma,whose real name, we are told, is “Lorna Widdershins”,rides into the dusty desert town of Hatwater, Arizona astride an iguana named Barry, trailing a cloud of cactus pollen. She claims to have arrived in search of the Thoughtful Thorn, a legendary succulent believed to flower only once every presidential impeachment. But her arrival sets off a sequence of events involving migratory watchmakers, and a local bakery that communicates exclusively in Morse code.

Narrating this sunbaked saga is Dr. Linus Ogle, a disgraced ethnobotanist-turned-hatmaker, who’s attempting to write a definitive taxonomy of Italian headgear. What begins as a documentary project soon devolves into something halfway between an existential awakening and a highly conceptual scavenger hunt. The story’s structure,if one can call it that,is a patchwork of desert diary entries, annotated botanical etchings, and excerpts from The Hatwater Codex, an unreliable manuscript said to have been dictated by a drunken cowboy during a terrible sandstorm.

Parn’s prose is glorious and of the highest order, oscillating between the lyrical and the downright lunatic. Here, for instance, is how Ogle describes a moment of spiritual vertigo: “The wind smelled of forgotten jams”. A perfect sentence.

Though Parn is often compared to Pippy Schell and Sally O’Brien, there’s something uniquely tactile about her imagination. Every page is steeped in texture, textile, terrain and temperament. The town of Hatwater is drawn in surreal but loving detail: its silent hat parades, its broken laundromat, its local economy powered almost entirely by barflies and barbers.

What holds the novel together,barely, but beautifully,is its earnest heart. Beneath the dust, scales, and millinery chaos is a story about the language of grief, the elasticity of family, and the strange comforts of miscommunication. Grandma’s journey, we come to learn, is not just botanical or symbolic, but deeply personal. She’s trying to bloom in a world that’s forgotten how to water anything but its own assumptions.

Readers who crave plot will be deeply confused. Those who demand linearity may run for the hills. But readers willing to surrender to Parn’s hallucinatory logic will be rewarded with a novel that is not just read but inhabited.

Grandma Rode a Lizard into Town is, ultimately, a book about the things we carry: our baggage, our bruises, our hats. Jorvik Parn has written a debut that defies categorisation. It doesn’t care if you like it. It dares you to keep up,and somehow, through all the surrealism and silliness, it makes you feel deeply seen.

The Mayfair Book Groupette & The Bibliophiles of Belgravia: Joint Meeting

Date: 22rd April 2025

Time: 7:15 PM , 11:40 PM

Location: The Upper Library, The Royal Travellers and Explorers Club, Pall Mall

Attendees:

Mayfair Book Groupette:

• Julian Molyneux (Chair, Pimlico Wilde)

• Fiona d’Abernon (Co-Founder; Acting Secretary)

• Lord E. Northcote

• Dr. Xanthe Lorrimer (Cultural Historian)

• Hugo Van Steyn

• India Trelawney (Fashion Archivist)

• Conrad Smithe (now granted full membership)

• Pascal (Afghan hound, in discreet charcoal wool coat)

Bibliophiles of Belgravia:

• Lady Hortense Blyth (President)

• Giles Ashcroft-Symonds (Archivist)

• Clarissa Montjoy (Rare Book Dealer)

• Edward “Ned” Parmenter (Critic-at-Large)

• Dr. Basil Uxley (Retired Museum Director)

• Mrs. Cecily Thorndon (Private Collector)

Book Discussed:

Voynich Illuminata: The Herbal Codex as Surrealist Object by Dr. Mireille Artois (limited edition, self-published, 2024, print run of 150 copies, hand-bound in nettle fibre with marbled endpapers).

The Club staff had laid out original pages of the Voynich manuscript on velvet-covered trestles for inspection prior to discussion.

1. Welcome & Context

Lady Hortense opened proceedings by welcoming members of the Mayfair Book Groupette and hoping that they would have an enjoyable evening. Turning to the evening’s study, she noted that Voynich Illuminata “exists somewhere between scholarship and dreamwork,” and warned against “falling into the trap of treating the Voynich Manuscript as a puzzle rather than a mirror.”

Molyneux added that Dr. Artois’s thesis,namely, that the manuscript should be read as a proto-Surrealist artefact,was “provocative and more plausible than one might expect from that drunkard”. He was asked immediately to apologise, which he did. Lady Hortense said that the Belgravia Bibliophiles had certain standards that she hoped the Mayfair Book Groupette would attempt to satisfy. Fiona d’Abernon looked like she was about to riposte, but she bit her tongue.

2. Discussion Summary

Dr. Lorrimer praised Artois’s interweaving of Surrealist theory with medieval herbal iconography, though she questioned the leap from alchemical diagrams to “intentional proto-automatism.”

Clarissa Montjoy enthused about the book’s physical form, especially the lithographic misalignment which she felt “evoked uncertainty.” She passed around one delicate page, advising members to note the unusual smell of the nettle fibre papier.

Lord Northcote admired the “cheek” of placing the Voynich among the Surrealists, but cautioned that “the true pleasure lies in not knowing,” likening the manuscript to “a king’s addiction,everyone suspects, no one confirms.”

Hugo Van Steyn invoked Max Ernst’s Histoire Naturelle, claiming the Voynich’s plant-forms anticipate Ernst’s frottage techniques. He mused whether the manuscript could be read as “an proto-artist’s book,” drawing an arch look from Dr. Uxley.

Mrs. Thorndon expressed scepticism about Artois’s chapter on lunar calendrics, calling it “a poetic indulgence, not evidence.” She admitted, however, that the chapter on “phantasmic botany” had caused her to dream of blue thistles for a week.

Ned Parmenter was the most combative, suggesting the book was “art-world conspiracy theory for the bibliophilic set.” He was met with gentle but audible scoffing from both groups.

3. Artworks & Ephemera on View

• Three large-format photographic prints of Voynich folios by artist Samira Kelmar, overpainted in egg tempera and gold leaf

• A 1936 issue of Minotaure featuring Surrealist interpretations of herbal forms, on loan from Lady Hortense

• A herbarium of fictitious plants by contemporary artist Elodie Varn, pressed and mounted in vellum sheets

• A glass dome containing a small, spiralled root labelled “Unknown, c.1420,?,” provenance unverified

4. Refreshments

• Aperitif: elderflower-and-vermouth spritz with sprigs of rosemary

• Canapés: wild mushroom tartlets, anchovy-leaf crisps, nettle gougères

• Main wine: Château d’Yquem 2005 (donated by Van Steyn, to audible gasps)

• Dessert: pistachio and cardamom semifreddo served with candied angelica stems

5. Other Business

• Proposal for a Voynich Illuminata field trip to the Beinecke Rare Book & Manuscript Library in New Haven, pending logistical feasibility.

• Bibliophiles of Belgravia extended an invitation to the Mayfair Groupette for a January meeting on The Codex Seraphinianus.

• Molyneux floated the idea of commissioning a limited artist’s book inspired by the evening, to be co-published by both groups in 2026.

6. Adjournment

Meeting concluded at 11:40 PM, after a spirited but unresolved debate over whether the Voynich bathers were “ritual participants” or “early performance artists.” Several members lingered to compare the texture of nettle fibre bindings under lamplight.

Fiona d’Abernon

Acting Secretary

Joint Mayfair Book Groupette / Bibliophiles of Belgravia Meeting

Book Review: My Toenails Are Ideograms by Plover C. Glint

It is a rare pleasure,indeed, a great privilege,to encounter a novel that is so well written as this startling and singular debut from the award-winning Plover C. Glint. She is of course the conceptual painter whose previous claim to fame involved a solo show of weather-reactive canvases that changed hue with barometric pressure. Glint’s novel, much like her artwork, seems animated by a conviction that language itself is both an aesthetic medium and an unruly deity.

To answer the inevitable question: no, My Toenails Are Ideograms is not about podiatry, per se. The title,plucked from a line uttered by the book’s elusive protagonist, Dr. Hesper Ving,is emblematic of Glint’s entire approach: playful, opaque, and steeped in a kind of ecstatic misdirection. The plot (a term used here with gentle flexibility) revolves around Ving, a former semiotician turned subterranean gardener, whose toenails begin to grow in geometric patterns that closely resemble extinct logographic scripts. As word of her condition spreads, Ving finds herself alternately pursued by linguists, wellness influencers, and a splinter sect of Neo-Gnostic calligraphers.

It sounds preposterous, but Glint executes the conceit with such intellectual bravado and painterly delicacy that disbelief dissolves. The novel is constructed in fragments: diary entries, annotated glossaries, synesthetic footnotes, and transcripts of interviews conducted by a German podiatrist, translated into sign language. The result is a text that reads as though Borges had been fed a steady diet of fermented turmeric and left alone in a stationery shop.

What distinguishes Toenails from mere postmodern pastiche, however, is Glint’s abiding attention to the sensory texture of language. Her prose is lush, tactile, often vertiginous. A particularly memorable passage describes a dream in which Ving’s feet sprout alphabetic plumage and lift her into the sky:

“Each toe unfurled like a vellum scroll, the symbols inked in lapis and milk. The wind turned my ankles into punctuation. I hovered somewhere between an ampersand and a sigh.”

Glint, one suspects, sees writing not just as communication but as choreography,a dance between symbol and sensation. Her visual training is apparent not just in the vividness of imagery, but in her spatial sense of narrative structure. The novel resists linearity, opting instead for a kaleidoscopic accumulation of motifs: avian grammar, fungal etymologies, the erotic potential of ligatures.

And yet, amid all the conceptual mischief, there is emotional gravity. Ving’s journey,strange as it is,functions as an allegory of bodily estrangement and linguistic exile. Her toenails become a site of both wonder and alienation: a part of her that speaks in a voice she cannot fully understand. Beneath the novel’s cryptic surface lies a meditation on what it means to live in a body that betrays, translates, and transforms.

My Toenails Are Ideograms will no doubt divide readers. For some, it will prove impenetrable, its digressions maddening, its humour too barbed or baroque. But for others,those who find joy in the cryptic, who believe literature should sometimes behave like an installation piece or a fever dream,it will feel like home.

Plover C. Glint has written an unusually profound book: absurd, intricate, and oddly luminous. One suspects it won’t be the last time we hear from her.

The Mayfair Book Groupette – Minutes of the Hearing Trumpet Meeting

Date: 4th March 2025

Time: 7:00 PM , 11:05 PM

Location: The Yellow Salon, Pimlico Wilde, Mayfair

Attendees:

• Julian Molyneux (Chair, Pimlico Wilde)

• Fiona d’Abernon (Co-Founder; Acting Secretary)

• Lord E. Northcote

• Dr. Xanthe Lorrimer (Cultural Historian)

• Hugo Van Steyn

• India Trelawney (Fashion Archivist)

• Max Duclos (Collector)

• Conrad Smithe (Probationary member; status under review)

• Pascal (Afghan hound, wearing a small silk scarf in “muted ochre”)

Book Discussed:

The Hearing Trumpet by Leonora Carrington

1. Welcome and Context

Molyneux opened with a remark on Carrington’s “polymorphic surrealism,” noting that the book’s anarchic humour and geriatric heroine offer “a reminder that the avant-garde need not be young to be dangerous.” The evening’s staging included an arrangement of Carrington-inspired objects: a gilt teapot shaped like a fox, a small egg-shaped reliquary filled with pomegranate seeds, and a taxidermy raven (on loan, not for sale).

2. Discussion Summary

Dr. Lorrimer praised the novel’s subversion of patriarchal tropes through “feminist absurdity,” pointing out that Carrington “lets old women lead revolutions without apologising for it.” She compared it to the writings of Remedios Varo and Leonor Fini, sparking a brief sidebar on Surrealist domestic spaces.

India Trelawney focused on costume: “The knitted balaclavas, the strange cloaks,they’re not just eccentricities, they’re political garments.” She drew a parallel to a recent Comme des Garçons collection, producing a lookbook from her Pimlico Wilde tote bag.

Lord Northcote confessed to “not quite trusting” the narrative’s leaps into alchemy and lunar colonisation but admired its “camaraderie among the disobedient.” He likened the reading experience to “being on a train whose timetable one has accidentally burned, leaving one bereft of any arrival information.”

Hugo Van Steyn was uncharacteristically playful, calling the novel “utterly unserious and therefore, in its way, profoundly serious.” He drew comparisons with Jean Dubuffet’s notion of “art brut as spiritual insurgency.”

Max Duclos dismissed much of it as “Surrealist whimsy” and claimed Carrington’s visual art “does the work better.” Trelawney retorted that “Max prefers his magic on canvas where it can’t answer back.”

Conrad Smithe questioned whether the satire risked obscuring the emotional core. D’Abernon countered that “emotion is what the satire is made of,” and a brief silence followed, broken only by Pascal sighing audibly.

3. Artworks on View

Self-Portrait (Inn of the Dawn Horse) reproduction with Molyneux’s annotations on Carrington’s symbolic lexicon

• A 1970s Surrealist deck of cards, believed to be a collaborative prototype between Carrington and Alejandro Jodorowsky (disputed)

• Two small ink drawings from the estate of Ithell Colquhoun, placed discreetly by the drinks table

• Contemporary ceramic sculpture Lunar Soup Tureen by Saskia Hoekstra, created for the occasion

4. Refreshments

• Pre-discussion cocktail: “The Trumpet Call” , gin, elderflower, sage, and a whisper of absinthe

• Canapés: blue cheese gougères, smoked almond pâté on oat biscuits, beetroot hummus in endive leaves

• Main wine: Château Simone Palette Blanc 2018

• Dessert: poached quince with rosemary cream, served in mismatched teacups

5. Other Business

Next Book suggestion: Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter by Simone de Beauvoir, proposed by Northcote, seconded by Lorrimer. Approved with the condition of a supplementary reading of the first chapter of The Second Sex.

• Decision taken to proceed with the Bibliophiles of Belgravia joint evening next month, venue to be neutral territory.

• Molyneux raised the possibility of an off-season “Ephemeral Pamphlets” weekend retreat in Rye; members expressed cautious enthusiasm.

6. Adjournment

Meeting adjourned at 11:05 PM after a spirited post-discussion toast “to lunacy, longevity, and the liberty of old women.” Members lingered, inspecting the card deck under low light.

Respectfully submitted,

Fiona d’Abernon

Acting Secretary

Mayfair Book Groupette

Book Review: Michelangelo Was Actually Three Children in a Coat by Dr. Lisette Thrumble

Every generation produces a handful of scholars bold enough to upend the established canon. Dr. Lisette Thrumble, previously best known for her well-received thesis on Da Vinci’s obsession with soup, now offers a meticulously footnoted reassessment of the Renaissance’s most revered figure. Her new book, Michelangelo Was Actually Three Children in a Coat, is as scholarly as it is surreal,a wild, speculative ride through both marble and myth.

The central claim, presented with disarming academic calm, is that Michelangelo Buonarroti,the sculptor of David, the painter of the Sistine Chapel, the architect of St. Peter’s Dome,was not a single Florentine genius, but a trio of exceptionally precocious orphans working together under an elaborate coat or toga-like garment.

Thrumble’s argument is audacious, but she backs it up with some compelling evidence.

Drawing from obscure tax records, erratic handwriting in Michelangelo’s notebooks, and one suspiciously childlike doodle in the margins of a papal commission ledger, she constructs a theory that is part detective story, part psychological case study, and part theatrical farce. According to Thrumble, the “Michelangelo” persona was an invention devised to navigate the adult world of patronage and papal politics in a world where precocious children were unable to become artists.

Each of the alleged trio is given a profile:

Giulio, the topmost child, was the “face man”,the negotiator, letter-writer, and smooth talker who dazzled the Medicis with a vocabulary far beyond his years.

Tomaso, the middle, had an uncanny grasp of musculature and was “responsible for all torsos and minor prophets.”

Alfonso, the base of the stack, was the legs,and also the sculptor, possessed of superhuman calves.

Thrumble acknowledges the incredulity her theory provokes and devotes several chapters to painstaking evidence. There are floorplans of art studios, designed with everything low down and easily reachable by kids. Witness testimonies noting Michelangelo’s “high-pitched” voice and tendency to “wobble dramatically when turning corners,” and one lengthy appendix on how a small boy might feasibly carve Pietà if extremely determined and in possession of an extremely sharp chisel.

More than just an exercise in speculative absurdity, Michelangelo Was Actually Three Children in a Coat slyly pokes at the myth of solitary genius, asking: must we always believe in the singular, tortured male artist? Or is it possible,just possible,that our most revered masterpieces are the result of unexpected collaborations?

Thrumble’s writing is both razor-sharp and delightful. Her footnotes often devolve into bickering with herself. Chapter titles include “On Marble” and “The Coat as Metaphor”. The index is riddled with passive-aggressive entries like “David, see: thighs, improbable.”

While the book will never replace Vasari in the syllabus, it may well find a home in the hearts of skeptics, surrealists, and anyone who has ever looked at a work of art and thought, “A child have done that!” This book tells us, maybe they did.

Book Review: Dada, You’re Doing It Again: The Avant-Garde as a Prolonged Temper Tantrum by Professor Malvina Jibber

In Dada, You’re Doing It Again, noted cultural provocateur and self-styled “historian of art hysteria” Professor Malvina Jibber offers a blistering reinterpretation of the Dada movement, suggesting that the entirety of early 20th-century anti-art wasn’t a reaction to war, or nihilism, or even Duchamp’s moustachioed Mona Lisa,but rather an extended and highly curated temper tantrum thrown by artists who had simply not been invited to enough parties.

Jibber’s central argument is that Dada was less a movement and more “a collective sulk that got out of hand, then became extremely fashionable.” She likens the famous Cabaret Voltaire gatherings in Zürich to “the avant-garde equivalent of revving one’s motorbike whilst wearing a velvet smoking jacket.”

Chapter One, Tristan Tzara Throws a Fit, opens with an imagined scene in which the poet, denied access to a fondue party hosted by Swiss Symbolists, retaliates by inventing performance poetry made entirely of sneezes and obscenities shouted into a megaphone through a sock. “This was not rebellion,” Jibber insists, “it was a form of attention-seeking too abstract for kindergarten but somehow perfect for 1916.”

From there, the book gleefully unravels. Marcel Duchamp’s famous Fountain? “A passive-aggressive bathroom prank.” Hugo Ball’s costume poems? “Proof that if you give a man too much felt and not enough supervision, things will head south quickly.” Jean Arp’s paper collages? “The work of someone who dropped things and decided not to pick them up.”

Jibber’s prose is relentless in its scholarly tone, riddled with footnotes that lead nowhere, references to fake Swiss newspapers (Le Scandale Invisible), and one baffling appendix devoted entirely to the dietary habits of Zurich’s café culture. Chapter titles include:

Cut-Up or Shut Up

Zürich, Zany, and Slightly Damp

If You Glue a Spoon to It, Is It Still Art?

Why the Hat Was Crying: A Psychoanalysis of Max Ernst’s Millinery Phase

Most outrageously, Jibber proposes that the entire Dada movement was retroactively curated by a secretive alliance of Parisian gallery owners who found the movement’s nonsense to be “highly affordable and weirdly portable.” In one passage, she posits that Dadaism peaked when a man accidentally sold his laundry as a symbolic sculpture titled Le Défi des Chaussettes.

Though some of her claims are historically inexact and frequently incoherent, Jibber’s book is riotously entertaining. She skewers sacred cows with a butter knife and dances around scholarship like a dadaist performing a foxtrot with an oversized soup can. Her love for the absurd is palpable, and her conclusion,“Maybe Dada never ended, it just moved to Instagram”,feels disturbingly plausible.

Recommended for: anarchic aesthetes, curators with a dark sense of humour, former art students and anyone who has ever been caught short whilst looking at a urinal on a plinth.