I was offered full funding for the pure gold, life-size, model Brighton Pier project! Excellent. The money was put up by an anonymous ambassador who refused to say the name of his country (which sounded vaguely exotic and suspiciously vague). He claimed his country was “looking to increase tourism and global cultural presence and sponsoring your golden pier is the most obvious way to do that.” Naturally, I was thrilled. He told me to phone the next day to finalise details.
Then, the plot thickened. Overnight, there was a coup in his country. So, when I called his number, I unwittingly reached a revolutionary council. They had terrible news…
Hedge: Hello, this is Hedge Fund. I’m following up about the golden pier sponsorship. If you could just write down my bank details…
Revolutionary Council: Who are you? What are you talking about?
Hedge: Erm, I was hoping to finalise details with the Ambassador, he is kindly sponsoring my golden pier project.
Revolutionary Council: Ha! We are blowing up all piers, they encourage bourgeoise strolling.
Hedge (Thinking he had the wrong number): I’m sorry, could you put me through to the Ambassador?
Revolutionary Council: He is dead.
Hedge: That’s odd. He seemed fine when I spoke to him yesterday.
Revolutionary Council: Yes, it was quick.
Hedge: I’m sorry. Could I speak to his successor?
Revolutionary Council: Speaking.
Hedge: Very good. I’m just calling to finalise details about the golden pier art installation. You know, the one that will attract tourists and boost your economy? I’ve ordered the first eight tonnes of gold, I need your cheque to pay the supplier.
Revolutionary Council: “We are a poor African country. Golden piers are not in our agenda. Go away.”
Hedge: “But it’s a tourist attraction. People will come from all over—”
Revolutionary Council: We are a revolutionary council, we are not interested.
Hedge: Not even a bit? You could come to the opening.
Revolutionary Council: Do you want your head chopped off?
Hedge: No. I think we have crossed-wires…
Click
They hung up!
So, it seems the golden pier will have to wait for a more politically stable country to bear the brunt of the not unnoticeable costs. Unfortunately, as mentioned I have already ordered some gold. This may need some sorting out. I hope it was returnable.
Ever optimistic (and slightly bewildered),
Hedge Fund (digital artist, former finance bro, unintended diplomat)
