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Episode Summary:

In this revelatory episode of Art World Exposed, Saldo Caluthe and Tomas Sinke continue their unflinching examination of the absurdities of contemporary art. This week, they unpack the meteoric rise of a three-year-old artist selling finger paintings for millions, discuss whether conceptual art is secretly trolling us all, and interview a collector who insists their Damien Hirst shark tank is a family heirloom. Prepare for scathing wit, faux intellectualism, and a deep dive into the art world’s strangest contradictions.

00:00 – Intro: “The Picasso of Playdates”

Saldo and Tomas open with an analysis of three-year-old phenom Ember Splatts, whose work has become the latest must-have for collectors.

• Ember’s signature technique involves flinging paint while listening to Baby Shark on repeat, which critics are calling “a radical reclaiming of childhood chaos.”

• Saldo declares Ember “the Basquiat of the pre-K set,” while Tomas asks, “But is it art or just daycare on steroids?”

• Discussion includes auction highlights, like Ember’s Untitled (Snack Break), which sold for $4.3 million despite being partially smeared with applesauce.

Key Quote:

Saldo: “It’s raw, it’s primal, it’s a tantrum on canvas. Frankly, I’m jealous.”

11:47 – Segment: “Is Conceptual Art Laughing at Us or With Us?”

Tomas argues that the entire field of conceptual art might be an elaborate joke. Saldo counters by insisting that the joke is the art. They revisit notorious examples, including:

• Maurizio Cattelan’s banana duct-taped to a wall (Comedian), which Tomas dubs “the original fruit-based trolling.”

• A recent performance piece titled Wait in Line for Art where visitors queued for hours to see… absolutely nothing.

• Ember Splatts’ Crayon Cry, a single crayon taped to a wall, which sold for $600,000 and included a certificate of authenticity signed in glitter glue.

25:20 – Interview: Collector Miranda Plique on “Owning a Damien Hirst as a Family Pet”

Saldo and Tomas interview eccentric collector Miranda Plique, who recently purchased Damien Hirst’s infamous shark tank The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living. Plique discusses:

• The challenges of living with a 13-foot preserved shark in her dining room.

• Why she dresses the shark in festive hats during holidays.

• Her insistence that the shark is “not just art, but a family member.”

Key Quote:

Miranda: “Some people have cats, others have Damien Hirst sharks. Both shed a lot, but only one makes you money.”

38:15 – “The State of Taste: From Cigarettes to NFTs”

Saldo and Tomas examine the evolution (or devolution) of taste in the art world. Key topics include:

• Whether good taste is now synonymous with boring art.

• A debate on how collectors have shifted from Warhol soup cans to NFT soup animations.

• Saldo’s scathing critique of “tasteful” collectors who only buy beige minimalist works, calling them “art’s interior decorators.”

49:08 – Segment: “Toddlers of the Avant-Garde”

Saldo deep-dives into the sudden trend of toddler artists taking the art world by storm. They discuss:

• Why Ember Splatts’ parents are already negotiating a retrospective at the Tate Modern.

• Tomas suggests an emerging market for pre-natal art programs.

• The ethical dilemmas of collectors treating three-year-olds like the next Warhol.

• A call from an indignant listener, who asks if their nephew’s macaroni art is also worth millions.

Key Quote:

Tomas: “This is the logical conclusion of the art world—buying finger paintings before the kid even learns to spell their own name.”

1:02:17 – “Exhibitions You Shouldn’t Miss This Month”

The duo rounds up the most absurdly essential shows of the season:

1. “Ember Splatts: Tiny Tempest” at the Serpentine Pavilion, featuring her greatest works, displayed at toddler height.

2. “Post-Humanity: The Algorithm Weeps” at the Hayward Gallery, a conceptual AI-curated show about robots feeling emotions.

3. “Dead Things in Glass” at Shakleton’s, featuring Damien Hirst, a jar of pickles, and a stuffed iguana.

4. “Minimalist Whispers” at the Whitechapel Gallery: A silent exhibition where the artworks are hidden behind walls.

5. “Kazakhstan Biennale: London Satellite Edition” at the Barbican, showcasing goat-related performances and bottles of ethically sourced crude oil.

1:12:42 – Outro: “The Art World is a Crèche”

Saldo and Tomas close with reflections on whether toddlers could be the future of art—and what that says about the rest of us. Tomas suggests they submit one of their podcast scripts to an art fair as a conceptual piece, while Saldo muses about opening a gallery exclusively for under-fives.

Key Quote:

Saldo: “If a toddler can sell art for $5 million, why are we still podcasting for free?”

Listen Now:

Stream Episode 70 of Art World Exposed on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you indulge in pretentious audio content.

Episode 70

Episode Summary:

In this week’s Art World Exposed, Saldo Caluthe and Tomas Sinke journey to the bleeding edge of cultural irrelevance to bring you the latest in the art world. From a perplexing new art fair in Kazakhstan to the philosophical implosion of “taste” as a concept, this episode is a tour de force of pretentious witticisms, existential despair, and dubious intellectual rigor. Tune in as they probe the shadowy intersection of art, commerce, and outright nonsense.

00:00 – Intro: “Can Taste Be Saved?”

Saldo and Tomas open the episode with their usual banter, debating whether “taste” has officially died in the wake of recent NFT-inspired installations involving inflated pool toys and existential hashtags. Tomas argues taste was killed in 1917 by Duchamp’s urinal, while Saldo insists it’s been assassinated by Jeff Koons’ “balloon dog industrial complex.”

Key Quote:

Saldo: “If taste is dead, then what we’re left with is aesthetic nihilism—and frankly, I’m thrilled. Pass the inflatable banana.”

07:34 – The Kazakhstan Biennale: “Oil, Camels, and Avant-Garde Dreams”

A deep dive into the inaugural Kazakhstan Biennale for Radical Expression, held in the glittering outskirts of Almaty. Saldo describes it as “the Met Gala meets a gas pipeline,” while Tomas calls it “the art world’s best-kept secret because no one could afford the flight.” They discuss standout installations, including:

• A functioning oil rig repurposed as a “meta-performance about extraction and ennui.”

• A live camel auction where bidders must write haikus about desert erosion.

• A 14-hour soundscape composed entirely of goat bleats and archival Soviet propaganda speeches.

Saldo interviews curator Yelena Karasova, who describes the fair as “a necessary confrontation between global capital and localized absurdity.” The duo reflects on whether Kazakhstan’s role as a petrostate undermines the fair’s anti-capitalist rhetoric.

Key Quote:

Tomas: “It’s ironic, really—hosting a Biennale in a country where the GDP is mostly fossil fuels. But I guess when you’re bathing in oil money, it’s easy to fund goat bleats.”

25:11 – “The $17 Million Puddle”

Saldo and Tomas discuss the latest art-world scandal: the sale of Aqueous Forever, a conceptual piece consisting of a literal puddle of water encased in plexiglass. Created by anonymous collective WE~DRIP, the piece sold at auction for $17 million.

• Tomas critiques its derivative nature, calling it “just a wet Carl Andre.”

• Saldo defends the work, saying, “It’s about climate change and tears. Open your heart, Tomas.”

They take a call from a listener who claims they accidentally stepped in the puddle at a private viewing, only to be sued for damages by the gallery.

38:40 – Interview: Damien Lurks on “Artful Scams and The Performance of Integrity”

In an exclusive interview, controversial conceptual artist Damien Lurks reveals his latest project: a fake Kickstarter campaign to fund an invisible sculpture that doesn’t exist. Lurks calls it “an investigation into gullibility as an art form.” Saldo and Tomas debate whether Lurks’ self-proclaimed “anti-capitalist scam” is truly subversive or just another layer of exploitation.

Key Quote:

Damien: “The only real art left is convincing people they’re participating in art. That’s why my next piece will be a pyramid scheme. Literally—a pyramid made of dollar bills.”

54:22 – “Shows You Must Pretend to Have Seen This Month”

Saldo and Tomas close out with their top picks for gallery openings and exhibitions to name-drop at your next art-world gathering:

1. “Dirt: A Retrospective” at the Whaites Modern: A deep exploration of mud as a medium, featuring works by land artists and an on-site worm farm.

2. “The Ministry of Lint” at Snake Galleries: A textile-based exhibition focusing on dryer lint as a metaphor for domestic existentialism.

3. “Paint Me Like One of Your NFTs” at Yellow Cube: A hybrid exhibition of traditional oil paintings and digital works that can only be viewed via QR codes projected onto walls.

4. “Silence. Noise. Silence.” at the Philometta: An immersive sound-art installation where visitors sit in soundproof rooms, listening to recordings of themselves breathing.

5. Kazakhstan Biennale Satellite Exhibition at Museum of 21st Century Art: A condensed version of the Almaty show, featuring live-streamed camels and tiny bottles of oil-scented perfume for sale.

1:03:07 – Outro: “The Art World is Dead. Long Live the Art World.”

Saldo and Tomas close with a sardonic toast to the ever-bizarre art ecosystem. Tomas muses about quitting art entirely to open a pretzel stand in Berlin, while Saldo suggests the pretzels themselves could be part of a performance.

Key Quote:

Saldo: “Art isn’t about making sense. It’s about making someone else make sense of it for you—and charging them $20,000 for the privilege.”

Title: “Nice, but Is It Art?”

Brace yourselves, aesthetes and iconoclasts—Episode 69 of Art World Exposed is here, dripping with intellectual pretense and borderline absurdity. This week, Saldo Caluthe and Tomas Sinke revel in their most “critical” episode yet. Expect reviews of London’s hottest exhibitions, existential debates about art’s purpose, and an interview with an artist who may or may not live in a Damien Hirst vitrine.

00:00 – 04:12 | Intro: “Because the World Needs Us”

Saldo and Tomas kick things off with their signature brand of irony, lamenting that their “vital” voices aren’t being amplified enough in the cultural landscape. Topics include their disappointment with the Tate’s coffee bar (Saldo: “Is unicorn milk too much to ask?”) and an inexplicable digression into Tomas’s recent enlightenment via a Kusama Infinity Room (“It’s like staring into my own genius”).

04:13 – 16:45 | London Exhibitions: What We Love (and Loathe)

1. “Takashi Murakami: Japanese Art History à la Takashi Murakami” at Gagosian Grosvenor Hill

Tomas declares this “a shameless act of ego” but follows up by admitting he bought a Murakami plush on the way out. Saldo insists it’s “Kawaii capitalism at its finest” and wonders aloud if Murakami can turn his grocery list into a $1M screenprint.

• Rating: 4/5 ironic winks.

2. “Brasil! Brasil! The Birth of Modernism” at the Royal Academy of Arts

Saldo waxes lyrical about the “vivid collision of colors and cultures” while Tomas smugly informs listeners he’s “already seen the original Oswald de Andrade manuscripts in São Paulo.” A deep dive into the politics of tropical surrealism ensues, complete with the phrase “neo-colonial guilt.”

• Rating: 5/5 guilty sighs.

3. “Jim Dine: Tools and Dreams” at Cristea Roberts Gallery

Saldo dismisses Dine’s “insipid obsession” with tools as “mid-century dad-core,” while Tomas defends the work as “a poignant study of human utility in decline.” Expect a petty argument over which of them actually knows what a spanner does.

• Rating: 2/5 begrudging nods.

16:46 – 28:30 | Interview: “The Artist Who Pickled Himself”

Saldo and Tomas sit down with avant-garde sensation Victor Kossuth, whose latest show at an unnamed East London warehouse involves him living inside a Damien Hirst-inspired formaldehyde tank for a week. Victor discusses his “journey into self-preservation as a critique of environmental decay,” while Tomas accuses him of being “performance art’s answer to stunt YouTubers.” Saldo interrupts to ask Victor if the tank smells.

• Key Quote: “Am I dead or alive? That’s what I’m asking you, and that’s what I’m asking myself.”

• Don’t Miss: Tomas wondering aloud if pickling himself would finally win him a Turner Prize.

28:31 – 41:02 | Discussion: “Is AI Killing the Painter?”

Saldo and Tomas take on the controversial question of whether AI-generated art is “the death of human creativity or the birth of infinite mediocrity.” They analyze a recent exhibition of AI works at a Shoreditch pop-up, leading Tomas to denounce the tech as “Dada for dilettantes.” Saldo, ever the contrarian, argues that “at least it’s cheaper than Tracey Emin.” The segment devolves into a heated debate about whether an AI could ever “understand” Duchamp’s urinal.

41:03 – 50:25 | Listener Questions: “Ask the Arbiters of Taste”

This week’s carefully curated queries include:

• “Should I invest in a Warhol print or a Rothko fridge magnet?”

• “What’s the etiquette for fake-laughing at bad performance art?”

• “How do I respond when someone asks what my art ‘means’?”

Saldo’s advice is predictably scathing, while Tomas goes full Zen by suggesting all art should “mean nothing and everything simultaneously.”

50:26 – 57:40 | Review: “The Show That Left Us Speechless (Literally)”

Saldo and Tomas review “Silence”, an experimental sound art exhibition at the Barbican. Featuring an entirely silent room, the show is described as “a bold rejection of sensory capitalism” by Saldo and “proof the curator forgot to plug in the speakers” by Tomas. Expect ruminations on John Cage, performative listening, and the ethics of snoring in a gallery.

• Rating: 3.5/5 awkward coughs.

57:41 – 1:03:30 | Closing Rant: “Who Actually Owns Culture?”

In their final tirade, Saldo and Tomas question the ownership of culture in a world of billionaire art collectors and Instagram aesthetics. Tomas quotes Walter Benjamin extensively, while Saldo throws in a reference to Dua Lipa’s latest album. The conclusion? “No one owns culture, except maybe Larry Gagosian.”

Extras:

• Links to all exhibitions discussed (because we know you don’t trust us).

• A Spotify playlist inspired by the podcast (Sad Songs to Look at Art To).

• Discount codes for Victor Kossuth’s new merchandise line (“Pickle Me Victor” t-shirts now available in acid green!).

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Title: “Fame, Fortune, and Faux Pas: The Art World’s Beautiful Mess”

Welcome back, cultural connoisseurs and dilettantes alike, to another incisive episode of Art World Exposed—the podcast where we critique, celebrate, and eviscerate the art world’s glamorous underbelly. Your hosts, Saldo Caluthe and Tomas Sinke, guide you through a deliciously chaotic mélange of interviews, debates, and musings on all things art. This week, expect biting satire, high drama, and just a dash of existential despair.

00:00 – 04:23 | Intro: “Shall We Call It Art?”

Saldo and Tomas open the show with their usual mix of dry wit and intellectual pretension, debating whether a gallery’s badly placed coat rack counts as a conceptual installation. Spoiler: the rack might have been by Olafur Eliasson.

04:24 – 16:40 | Interview: “The Dealer Who Plays God”

In this segment, the hosts sit down with enigmatic gallerist Claudine Vieux, who reveals the dark art of making artists famous. From choosing the right “emerging talent” at art school wine nights to the ethics of “destroying” reputations to elevate others, Claudine’s candor is both shocking and oddly seductive.

• Key Quote: “Art isn’t about beauty—it’s about my ability to sell your mediocrity for six figures.”

• Don’t miss: Tomas squirming as Claudine critiques his bespoke tortoiseshell glasses.

16:41 – 28:30 | Panel: NFTs: Nouveau Fads or Necessary Futures?

Saldo and Tomas moderate a heated discussion between:

• Veronika Duplaix, a blockchain evangelist who insists NFTs are the “democratization of art.”

• Alfredo Moreau, a 76-year-old painter who claims, “The only chain I need is the one locking my studio.”

Expect passive-aggressive jabs, digital jargon, and Alfredo’s impromptu recitation of Baudelaire.

28:31 – 35:50 | Art Critique: “Through the Eyes of Pretension”

Saldo reviews Maurice Clévére’s installation A Thousand Invisible Brushes. It’s a room filled with… well, nothing. Is it a scathing critique of consumerism or just a scam? Tomas, ever the contrarian, suggests it’s a bold homage to Duchamp. Saldo counters that it’s a bold homage to laziness.

35:51 – 47:12 | Listener Questions: “Dear Art Agony Aunts”

• “Is it gauche to buy art from art fairs?”

• “How do I politely leave a performance art piece where the artist keeps staring at me?”

• “I accidentally called Jeff Koons ‘Jeff Bezos’ at a dinner party. Should I change my name and move to Scotland?”

Saldo and Tomas answer with their signature mix of disdain and unhelpful advice.

47:13 – 59:59 | Closing Debate: “Do Artists Still Suffer for Their Art, or Is Suffering Just a Branding Tool?”

The hosts go head-to-head over whether modern artists are still tortured geniuses or simply savvy marketers with better Instagram filters. Tomas accuses Saldo of romanticizing poverty, while Saldo accuses Tomas of romanticizing his own reflection.

1:00:00 – 1:03:30 | Outro: “Artfully Done”

Saldo and Tomas wrap things up with recommendations for upcoming exhibitions (but only ones obscure enough to make you look cool). Tomas announces plans for next week’s episode, “Why No One Should Trust an Artist with paint on their trousers.”

Extras:

• Links to Claudine Vieux’s gallery (for those curious and/or masochistic).

• Alfredo Moreau’s self-published book, NFTs and Other Nonsense.

• A Spotify playlist curated by Saldo, titled Postmodern Ennui, Vol. 3.

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