Date: 30th August 2025
Prepared by: Fiona d’Abernon (Acting Secretary)
Subject: Expulsion of Mr. Conrad Smithe for Misrepresentation of Reading
1. Background
At the recent meeting of the Mayfair Book Groupette, convened to discuss The Cartographer’s Melancholy by Jeroen van Holt (limited edition, hand-printed on laid paper with uncut fore-edges), it became apparent that member Mr. Conrad Smithe had not, in fact, read the book despite multiple prior assurances to the contrary.
The Groupette has, since its inception, operated on the unspoken but inviolate principle that one attends having read the book. While lively dissent and selective skipping are tolerated, wholesale fabrication of engagement is not.
2. Evidence of Non-Reading
a) Initial Statement
Early in the evening, Mr. Smithe remarked on “the beautiful chapter about the Venetian gondolier,” to which several members immediately responded with puzzled expressions, as the novel is set entirely in rural Finland and contains no gondoliers.
b) Chronological Discrepancy
When asked about the closing scene, Mr. Smithe claimed it was “a little too sentimental for me,” despite the fact that the ending is a sudden flood and the drowning of the narrator,events entirely devoid of sentimentality.
c) Misuse of Vocabulary
Mr. Smithe repeatedly referred to “the protagonist’s atlas,” whereas in the text the work is always described as “a sea chart” or “the chart,” never as an atlas. Lord Northcote, visibly pained, noted this “betrays an unconvincing familiarity.”
d) Revealing Confession
When challenged during a lull, Mr. Smithe admitted,half under his breath,that he had “skimmed the publisher’s blurb and a review in The Times,” claiming that “life has been impossibly busy.”
3. The Claim
Mr. Smithe’s defence rested on the assertion that “having the gist” was as valuable as reading, and that the discussion benefitted from “outsider impressions.” This was met with quiet but unanimous disapproval. The Groupette regards such rationale as incompatible with its ethos of deep, unhurried engagement.
4. The Apology (Too Late)
After the formal portion of the meeting had concluded, and as coats were being retrieved, Mr. Smithe offered a more contrite apology:
“I’m sorry, truly,I thought I could wing it, and I see now that I’ve underestimated the… rigour here. I won’t do it again.”
While the sincerity of tone was noted, the apology was delivered after a decisive undercurrent had already formed. The Groupette is, as Molyneux observed, “not a place one wings anything.”
5. Decision
Following a brief members-only discussion (Smithe having already departed), it was agreed,by silent show of hands,that Mr. Smithe’s membership be revoked with immediate effect. The Chair will send a courteous letter citing “misalignment with Groupette practice” and “a breach of reading trust.”
6. Reflection
The decision was made without pleasure. Smithe had, in previous months, offered genuine insight and wit. Yet the Groupette’s survival rests on its one fragile rule: that the book has been read, privately, entirely, without pretence. Once broken, the shadow it casts cannot be erased.
Pascal spent the remainder of the evening lying by the empty chair, which felt, to more than one of us, like an accusation.
Fiona d’Abernon
Acting Secretary
Mayfair Book Groupette
