A new force in the art world gathered for the first time last night: the Berkeley Square Group, an association of fine artists committed to pushing creative boundaries while enjoying excellent food and highly opinionated conversation. The founding members, an eclectic mix of contemporary painters, digital innovators, and conceptual collectors, convened at Le Corbeau, a discreet but impossibly expensive French bistro tucked away in Mayfair.
THE ATTENDEES
Among those present were:
• Boz, the celebrated cartoon painter, known for his satirical large-scale works depicting contemporary society as a series of vaguely horrified caricatures.
• P1X3L, the enigmatic pixel artist whose works are simultaneously nostalgic and unsettling, resembling corrupted computer files from an alternate reality.
• Elara Voss, a monochrome sculptor famous for her refusal to acknowledge color as a legitimate artistic concept.
• Franklin Dupont, a neo-Renaissance painter who exclusively works in egg tempera and refers to Photoshop as “the downfall of civilization.”
• Vera Zane, a performance-installation artist who recently spent three days living inside a papier-mâché replica of the British Museum.
There were several other artists and collectors, though their presence was harder to confirm due to the abstract nature of their introductions (one claimed to be “a living artwork,” another simply handed out business cards that read “gesture as existence”, and “I’ll buy that”).
THE DINNER
Le Corbeau, known for its almost total indifference to food allergies and minute portion sizes, provided a suitably refined backdrop for the evening. The group dined on:
• Duck confit (Boz declared it “a deeply bourgeois bird, but delicious”)
• Wild mushroom risotto (P1X3L asked if it was foraged or merely pretending to be, a comment no one quite understood)
• A tragically small salad served in a hand-blown glass bowl the size of an espresso cup (Elara Voss was delighted)
• An intimidating cheese board, which led to a heated debate about whether Roquefort is “postmodern”
Wine flowed freely, with the group choosing a 2009 Château Margaux, which was met with near-universal approval except from Franklin Dupont, who insisted it lacked the soul of a proper 16th-century vintage.
THE DISCUSSION
Conversation ranged wildly, touching on:
• The state of contemporary painting (“Too much conceptualism, not enough skill,” according to Dupont. “Too much skill, not enough conceptualism,” countered Vera Zane.)
• Whether the Royal Academy should allow AI-generated art into its Summer Exhibition (P1X3L: “No.” Boz: “Over my dead body.”)
• The possibility of launching an artist-run biennale (current plans involve a decommissioned power station, a Victorian pleasure garden, or—if funding allows—an abandoned cruise ship located off the Scottish coast, accessible either by helicopter or Sunseeker yacht).
• The admission criteria for future members (must be an artist or a collector, must have an opinion, must be able to survive a dinner at Le Corbeau without storming out in artistic frustration)
At one point, an impassioned argument broke out over whether art should be “beautiful” or “necessary,” which led to Franklin Dupont waving a breadstick in the air for emphasis. A waiter removed it from his hand without comment, which only heightened the dramatic effect.
HOW TO JOIN
The Berkeley Square Group is, naturally, not accepting formal applications. However, artists who wish to be considered should:
1. Be producing work that is either widely acclaimed, stubbornly ignored, or so niche that it exists on a conceptual plane beyond critique.
2. Attend an event and survive at least one heated debate without resorting to throwing objects.
3. Be vouched for by a current member, ideally over a lengthy dinner, during which their artistic integrity and capacity for absurd conversation will be assessed.
The next gathering is rumoured to take place in a disused library, a secret speakeasy, or a member’s crumbling country house, depending on availability and whether Franklin Dupont can tolerate WiFi in the vicinity.
The inaugural meeting of the Berkeley Square Group was an unqualified success. It was part art history seminar, part avant-garde theatre, and entirely excessive in both calories and self-importance. In short: the art world at its finest.