Artists

Splif Bantom of Scotland Yard and his photos of crime scenes one year after the crime was committed

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As well as being an artist Splif Bantom is a high-ranking detective at Scotland Yard. He has solved many cases including the Bewley Havant disappearance and the case that became known in the press as The Mystery of the Poisoned Shoe. But it is in fine art that Splif always wanted to have a career, and he has now managed to combine his two great loves, viz, art and crime.

”I return to the scene of a crime exactly one year after the crime was committed,” Splif explains. “I take one photograph and then leave as though I had never been there. My work examines memory, pain, and just how good a job has been done by the cleaners.”

Amworth Street, Carlisle (One year after the Amworth Murders)

Land artist and pioneer of the Art Perambulation – Carp Watson specialises in saving the world with fine art footprints

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“Every time I do one of my Art Perambulations I take with me my sketchbook. As I perambulate over different terrains I place my sketchbook on the ground and perambulate over it. The resulting marks are an intimate memory of a specific moment in time. As I often do the same perambulation many times over, I am building up a wide-ranging record of the effects of climate warming, with the same perambulation often leading to markedly different boot-based mark making.”

Watson’s work is available in various sizes and several of his sketchbooks (that haven’t been claimed by the environmental agency to help their records) can be purchased by any collector willing to sign up to Watson’s Art Perambulation Manifesto. This Manifesto can be examined by contacting Pimlico Wilde or Carp Watson himself.

Carp Watson is not just one of the greatest Land Artists working today, but is a visionary – his epic piece “A map of my walk from Exeter to Bodmin Moor at 1:1 scale” remains the biggest artwork I have ever seen.

Bill Revant, The Exeter Antiques & Cattle Gazette

Kilo Barnes – contemporary artist who hates contemporary art and practises repaintage

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Kilo Barnes is an unusual contemporary artist, in that he hates contemporary art. This gives his artworks a frisson that is often missing in artworks made by his contemporaries.

“Contemporary art is terrible, isn’t it?” Kilo told us by telephone from the Paris atelier where he has moved to escape the contemporary art scene in Hoxton where he grew up – his mother is the sculptor Sally Bevington, famed for her interpretation of The Last Supper in Stilton. “There is no other way to describe it. Modern art as well, all awful. So I have a unique workflow to make my pieces, called in the French, repaintage. I buy contemporary art paintings by other artists from galleries and auction houses. Then I completely obliterate the image I have bought with white paint. I build up layer upon layer of paint, rather in the style of Rembrandt or Froussard, until the terrible contemporary art can no longer be seen. 

“I actually believe the rot set in with the modernists, and my most recent piece is called Repaintage 556 (Mondrian) in which I have completely painted over a small Piet Mondrian painting that I bought at auction for $7 million. The now completely blank canvas is available for collectors to buy for just $8 million. I don’t just sell to anyone though, I need to check any potential purchaser’s current collection. If there is any contemporary art in it then I offer to paint over it all for just $50,000 per piece. If they do not accept my offer they are unable to purchase any of my repaintage works.”

Any collectors interested in adding a Kilo Barnes repaintage piece to their collection is welcome to get in touch. (We recommend hiding any contemporary art you own when he comes for his reconnaissance visit). Having recently repaintaged a Damian Hirst, an Edward Froppas and a n.m.pante, Kilo is working on his next contemporary art show with Pimlico Wilde entitled “Saving the World from Contemporary Art”.

Repaintage

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Watercolour artist and amateur rocket scientist Saki Pentona – “The art world is too parochial, too focused on earth”

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“The art world is too parochial, too focused on the earth. I intend to be the first artist to exhibit on Mars. My work currently consists of my plans, designs and blueprints for space rockets, Mars houses and associated necessaries. Living on Mars will be a huge step forward for mankind, and my work will be at the forefront of the push to live on other planets. This will be a struggle, it will make Fitzcarraldo’s endeavours look like a stroll round Hyde Park, but I will be there, the first coloniser of Mars.”

Saki is currently designing the flag for his colony on Mars, and finalising the design of the space rocket which should launch from the top of Mount Snowdon in late 2025. Collectors who would like copies of his designs (signing an agreement not to use them to build their own space rocket) are welcome to purchase – proceeds will help finance the first Earth2Mars Rocket and colony.

Anyone interested in going to Mars with Saki should get in touch. For the test flight to the moon you will need your own space suit and a packed lunch.